Part 31: I Feel the Jungle Call Me On

Bruce: Ahhh, we have landed. Bit of a bumpy landing this time.
Janick: Where do you think we are?
Nicko: Looks like a kind of jungle to me. Pretty hot too, compared to the shitty weather we left at home.
Dave: Hmm, jungle sounds dangerous.
Bruce: Hm, it could be some sort of rainforest. Maybe we're wandering in the Everglades, having one drink but no more ...
Steve: You really have a Maiden song for every occasion, don't you?
Bruce: Could well be, and if not, I still have my solo career to pick from.
Adrian: Ok, let's read the mission, maybe we find out where we are then.
Dave: I have the paper. "Bring back a historical map."
Janick: A map? Where are we supposed to find a map in the jungle?
Adrian: Yeah, jungles are not known for being well mapped.
Bruce: Maybe we should roam around a bit, find some civilization. We might be in the Amazonas jungle. Watch out for poisoned darts ...
Dave: What?
Bruce: ... or in the Malaysian jungle. We could meet headhunters who want to shrink our skulls.
Dave: Are you serious?
Steve: Stop being a prophet of disaster, Bruce.
Bruce: I'm not! Did I say the ship was lost? No, I didn't. I just pointed out that ...
Steve: Just stop it, will you?
Nicko: Maybe we're in Africa. We haven't had many missions there so far.
Janick: We were in Egypt on our first mission...
Bruce: That doesn't really count. Egypt is not really Africa. Egypt is ... Egypt. But Nicko's right. It could be Africa. Then we'll meet voodoo tribes ...
Steve: Bruce!
Bruce: Sorry. Well, a map would make sense in Africa. We could be in the period of African expeditions. Lots of maps were being drawn then.
Adrian: What, here in the jungle?
Nicko: Well, I guess we'll have to find some explorers then. What about the TM? Do we just leave it here?
Steve: Yes, let's just hope no one spots it sitting here under these limping roo trees.
Dave: Is this a limping roo tree? Neat. We're in Nigeria then.
Adrian: Let's just try and find some Nigerians then, shall we?
Adrian: I hope we'll soon find somebody. Usually they're not sending us to a completely deserted part for our missions.
Nicko: It's not completely deserted: I spot a snake on the tree-branch above Davey's head.
Dave: What?
Nicko: Better move away quickly, as long as it's asleep.
Dave: You think it was poisonous?
Bruce: It's bright green, so probably: yes. You know, they have these bright colours to warn their enemies that they can attack. Non-poisonous snakes lay low in unobtrusive grey or brown skins, but those flashy ones are just begging for you to notice them and try an attack.
Steve: Thanks for the biology lesson, Bruce.
Bruce: You're welcome.
Janick: There's a small camp. I think we reached our goal.
Dave: Better pop in our Babel pills?
Nicko: Hmm, a lot of African explorers where Englishmen, so maybe we don't even need a pill.
Adrian: We're not even sure yet if this is really Africa.
Bruce: Well, at least they look like European guys, so they're probably not headhunters. You can relax, Davey. Civilisation beckons with its snug warm cloak.
Dave: I'm staying wary, if you don't mind. A snug warm cloak might hide some nasty dagger. Besides, I spot some black guys there. They might be dangerous.
Steve: Hm, I think they are backpack-carriers, so we're probably really in Africa. What time are we talking? 19th century?
Janick: Yes, I think most inland explorations were happening in the 19th century.
Bruce: And those guys are talking English. Mind you, they have a funny accent, but hey, I'm used to that here.
Steve: What do you mean?
Adrian: Well, maybe we should greet them? Before they see us and wonder what we're doing here.
Nicko: Let's cook up a believable story beforehand. It might seem strange that we just show up here.
Bruce: I have an idea!
Steve: Ye gods, no.
Bruce: Just trust me this once, ok? You only have to be convincing and we'll get that map in no time. Come on.
Steve: Maybe you should tell us your idea first. ... Too late, they've spotted us.
Thornton: Who are you and what are you doing here?
Bruce: Hello, guys! Bloody hot out here in the jungle, eh? Ehm, we're on a special mission and we're not quite sure whether we have arrived in the right camp. Who is leading this expedition, if I may ask?
Thornton: That would be Sir David Livingstone. We're about to pack up and explore further downstream on the Zambezi river.
Bruce: Livingstone. That guy is famous for his African explorations. We'll find a map here.
Thornton: Excuse me?
Bruce: Eh, nothing. I just said to my colleagues here that we have indeed arrived in the right camp. We have to talk to Mister Livingstone. If you would lead the way, please.
Thornton: I'll fetch him, you wait here.
Nicko: I must say, you really have cheek, Bruce.
Bruce: Yeah, it's really easy, you see? Talk before they talk, then you always have the upper hand.
Adrian: What do we know about Livingstone?
Dave: Not much.
Steve: Wasn't he the guy who found the Victoria Falls?
Janick: We have to be careful what we say, he might not have found them yet.
Bruce: Right, so we'll be very diplomatic.
Steve: You can be diplomatic?
Bruce: Diplomat is my middle name.
Steve: I thought that was Bruce?
Livingstone: Good afternoon, gentlemen. What business brings you here? It's not about our fundings, I am sure?
Bruce: Fundings? Ehm, yes. In fact it is. Our employer wants to fund some of your explorations.
Livingstone: He does? What an unexpected surprise. Money is always an issue for us poor explorers. People don't know how important our missions are for the World.
Bruce: Well, as soon as money is involved, they of course want to see results. That's why we're here.
Livingstone: Well, that's good then. We're about to head down further the Zambezi river. You can join us on the trip and see first-hand how we explore the wilderness. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some things to prepare. Be ready in some 15 minutes.
Steve: Was that your great idea, Bruce? Now we have to follow them on their mission.
Dave: That might be dangerous.
Janick: By "downriver", they didn't actually mean "on the river", did they?
Nicko: Oh damn, you think you might be sick again?
Janick: Well, the river looks pretty rough to me. I was never one for kayaking.
Bruce: Well actually, my plan was to ask for a first draft or sketch of a tiny map. To bring back to our imaginary employer, so that he would fund the expedition. That would have been easy.
Adrian: Yeah, but unfortunately Livingstone talked you down. First time that happens.
Bruce: Yes, and it's also the last time, believe me. I'll handle it. Next time I'll be quicker.
Adrian: Well, there's your chance. Here he comes again.
Livingstone: Ok, everything is ready and settled. I'm afraid you can't all go in the same boat. We need a black guide with us all the time, and there is not much space for all of us.
Bruce: Actually, we don't need ...
Livingstone: So I hope you don't mind if we split you up in two groups. Three of you can come with me, and the other three will travel with my colleague Thornton.
Bruce: Well, it's not really necessary to accompany you ...
Livingstone: Oh, I think you'll like it. And then you can go back to your employer, full of praise for the expedition. Our guide assured me that there is a waterfall nearby.
Dave: That's probably the Victoria Falls then.
Bruce: Oh, you'll see an important waterfall today?
Steve: Bruce ... stick to the mission.
Bruce: Well, I guess our employer would be happy to hear about that.
Livingstone: That's settled then. Come with me.
Steve: I marvel at your way of "dealing with it", Bruce.
Bruce: This guy is kinda talkative. A bit annoying. I was trying, though. Anyway, it would be great footage for Nicko if he could film the Victoria Falls, don't you think? So I thought it was a good idea to follow him. After all, he will reach them today.
Adrian: Are you sure?
Bruce: Eh?
Adrian: How can you be sure he'll reach them today? We might be miles upriver still.
Janick: I get sick when I only think about it.
Nicko: Friend Livingstone is already waving at us. We better go. I'll be in the first boat if you don't mind. I want to have a good camera angle on the falls.
Bruce: I prefer to be in Thornton's boat. Livingstone is a bit too overwhelming for my taste.
Janick: I would prefer to stay here, but I guess that's not an option.
Steve: No, we stay together. Whatever happens.
Adrian: Livingstone is getting restless. Let's go before he leaves without us. We need that map and I don't think there are too many other explorers hanging around in these woods.
Steve: So, Mister Livingstone, how far do you think it is till we reach the Falls?
Livingstone: Hmm, hard to say. Let's ask our guide.
Guide: Mosi-oa-Tunya be reached soon.
Steve: Is that the native name for the Falls? What does it mean?
Guide: Smoke that thunders.
Steve: Interesting.
Nicko: Wonderful footage here already. Is my camera well-hidden?
Adrian: Yeah, don't worry. Maybe we should ask about the map?
Steve: Yes, I'll do that. Ehm, Mr Livingstone?
Livingstone: Yes?
Steve: We ...
Livingstone: See that tree formation over there? Wonderful.
Steve: Yes, superb, really. About the map ...
Livingstone: What map?
Steve: Well, that's what we were trying to tell you all along.
Livingstone: Wait a second, I have to note down some details.
Steve: This guy is starting to annoy me.
Adrian: How's Jan doing in the second boat?
Nicko: Hmm, he looks still ok, I think.
Dave: Are you ok, Jan?
Janick: So far, yes. I just hope there won't be any strong commotions further downriver.
Guide: There will be. Quick river down there.
Janick: Great. Looking forward to it.
Thornton: I don't like the way the expedition is run. We are behind schedule. We used up too many funds. Now the boats are in danger of being crushed by rocks in the river. All this costs money. Which we don't have.
Bruce: That guy reminds me of Rod Smallwood. Very tight with his money. Ehm, Mister Thornton, speaking of funds ... I was trying to tell Sir Livingstone that our employer wants to see some proof of your efforts.
Thornton: Yes, that's understandable. I wouldn't put money in dubious affairs either.
Bruce: So we would need a kind of map to bring back.
Thornton: A map? Of the river you mean?
Dave: Any map really.
Thornton: Livingstone has lots of sketches. He can probably spare one of his first drafts.
Bruce: That would be perfect. Maybe he could sign the paper too. Makes it more authentic, you see.
Thornton: Sure, you can ask him when we have arrived at the Falls. We will camp there.
Guide: Water gets rougher, over there.
Janick: Oh my, here we go.
Nicko: Wo-hooo, this reminds me of wild-river-rafting in Canada. That was great fun.
Adrian: It's not fun for Janick though. He's all green in the face.
Steve: Mr Livingstone, are you sure the boat cannot break?
Livingstone: Of course I'm not sure. We have to rely on our guide and the rowers that they bring us safely to the end of the journey. You can swim, can't you?
Steve: Yeah, sure, but ...
Livingstone: Well, no problem there, then.
Steve: Hm. Still, I wouldn't want to be stranded here without a boat.
Livingstone: That's true of course. Thornton will kill me if the boat crashes. He was against the river expedition. Too risky, he said. But I talked him into it.
Adrian: I can imagine you did.
Livingstone: I will write a book about this. If it sells well, I may be able to fund further expeditions. Thornton thinks that's utopic. Well, one can always dream.
Nicko: Hold tight, there's a large rock coming up.
Guide: I guide safely around it. No worry.
Steve: What further expeditions will you be doing?
Livingstone: Oh, I plan on finding the source of the Nile. Thornton and I disagree on the location of it. I want to prove that I'm right.
Steve: I see. And you are drawing maps of your journeys, I suppose?
Livingstone: Yes, of course. Everything will be mapped and written down. For my books, you see. I'm pretty proud of my maps and drawings. I can show you some of them later on, if you want.
Nicko: Yes, we would be jolly interested.
Adrian: In fact, we would require one of them, to show our employer. Hehe, I managed to break the news to him.
Steve: Well-done, Adrian.
Livingstone: You need a map? Why?
Steve: Our employer wants proof of what you've done so far. No map no cash. Easy as that.
Livingstone: I see. A man's word of honour isn't good enough anymore.
Steve: Not with money involved, no.
Livingstone: Well, I suppose I can give you a draft of the journey we have done so far on the Zambezi river. Will that help?
Nicko: That will be more than enough.
Guide: You not very river experienced.
Janick: Too many turns and waves here.
Guide: No waves on river.
Dave: He means the strong current because of the rocks. He is sea-sick.
Bruce: Should we maybe land somewhere, for a couple of minutes? Could we do that, Mister Thornton?
Thornton: Well, it would hold the expedition up. All this is costing us money.
Bruce: You can only think about money. Look, our employer will fund your next expedition if we bring him good news. Do you think Janick here will bring good news right now? Do you want the money, Mister Thornton?
Thornton: Upon further consideration, maybe a little break wouldn't hurt.
Dave: Thanks. You'll soon be on safe ground again, Jan.
Livingstone: What are they doing?
Nicko: Looks like our friend is sick. They're preparing to land.
Livingstone: They will hold up the expedition. Ah well, we can stop a bit.
Steve: Yes, and then you could give us the sketch.
Livingstone: Yes, all right, we can do that. But I have to find a suitable one.
Adrian: Any will do, really.
Livingstone: Oh no, I want to impress your employer, so that I can persuade him of the necessity of the funds.
Guide: Mosi-oa-Tunya very close. Can hear thunder.
Nicko: So I guess we have to stop here anyway. Not that we get sucked down the waterfall.
Livingstone: Yes, we will march the rest of the way.
Thornton: Ah, Livingstone is also coming ashore. Good. Is your friend feeling better?
Dave: Jan? You alright?
Janick: Yes, I'm ok. Damn, on the next mission I will bring a pill against motion-sickness. That's for sure.
Steve: Hey there. We have almost reached the Vic..., ehm, the waterfalls. You can hear the roar of the fall already.
Nicko: And I think it's a good idea to see them, for the mission. After that we can leave.
Bruce: We don't have the map though.
Adrian: Livingstone is rummaging through his backpack to find a suitable one.
Bruce: You managed to ask him?
Adrian: Yep, believe it or not, I did.
Bruce: I'm amazed, Adrian, really, I am.
Adrian: Me too, to be honest, ha.
Livingstone: All right. Here is the map. It's a small sketch, as you can see. There is the river. I put some further notes in the margins, to explain it all a bit.
Steve: Yeah, I see. This is excellent. Thank you.
Bruce: Have you signed your name somewhere? Just to show it's really authentic.
Livingstone: Yes, here are my initials. D.L. in the left bottom corner. Will that be sufficient?
Nicko: I think that will be enough. Now can we just have a quick lookie at the waterfalls, and then we're off home again?
Livingstone: Yes, I'm so excited. I will be the first European to set eyes on the waterfall. I have heard tales from the native guides about the enormity of the falls, and I'm looking forward to seeing them with my own eyes. Let's go.
Steve: It's still further than I expected. How on earth will we find that TM back?
Dave: Oh shit, you think we're lost?
Bruce: This is soooo cool. Livingstone was the first European to see the Victoria Falls. And do you know what? We, Iron Maiden, are the first heavy metal band to see the Victoria Falls.
Steve: I can't believe you can get excited about such a thing.
Bruce: Well, it is kinda cool.
Steve: If we, Iron Maiden, don't find the TM back, then we, Iron Maiden, are the first heavy metal band of the 19th century. Do you think Queen Victoria would like to attend one of our gigs?
Bruce: Well, I heard she was in the habit of smoking joints, because of her period cramps ...
Steve: Do you always believe what you are ranting on stage? And what on earth has the one got to do with the other?
Bruce: Well, it shows that she is open-minded.
Janick: No offence, but in my opinion, Queen Victoria wasn't too noted for her open-mindedness.
Nicko: After all, she allegedly coined the famous "We are not amused".
Steve: See? She would probably not be amused by our songs. So we have to get back to our own times.
Bruce: You think our Queen Liz is more amused?
Steve: That's not the point.
Bruce: What is the point?
Steve: I-want-to-live-in-my-own-time. Get it?
Bruce: Yes.
Adrian: Shush, Livingstone and Thornton are slowing down. Maybe there is trouble ahead.
Livingstone: Behold: a gorilla.
Dave: King Kong!
Adrian: Nah, he's not as huge as that.
Thornton: I'll shoot him. That's an excellent exhibit for the museum.
Nicko: What? You want to shoot a gorilla?
Thornton: Yes, why not? It brings money.
Bruce: Aren't you a money-greedy bastard?
Thornton: I beg your pardon?
Bruce: Well, look at you: Standing there with your rifle and oh so proud that you can shoot down a harmless animal.
Dave: Harmless?
Bruce: And look at the gorilla: Sitting quietly in the forest, munching on some leaves, minding his own business. Probably thinking about the nice gorilla lady he saw this morning. And you want to kill that animal?
Thornton: Yes.
Bruce: You blasted, fucking, crazy sonofa ...
Adrian: Bruce, calm down. Better not insult them.
Bruce: What? But he wants to kill that gorilla. Don't you know they are a protected species?
Livingstone: Protected species? What a silly idea!
Bruce: Not so silly, if you continue to shoot around like that.
Nicko: Let's put it this way: a gorilla gets easily irritated. Just like friend Bruce here.
Thornton: I see. So what? I get him with my first shot.
Nicko: And what if you miss?
Thornton: Why would I miss?
Nicko: Someone might push you.
Thornton: That would be insane. The animal would attack us and probably kill us.
Nicko: So we better leave it munching the leaves, instead of us, right old chap?
Livingstone: Let's not quarrel over an animal here. We want to see the waterfalls after all. Come on.
Bruce: Thanks, Nicko.
Nicko: I was prepared to jump on that guy if he had tried to shoot. I hate this colonial mentality, the strong white man with his rifle. They really think they can simply take and kill anything they want to. Bastards.
Dave: But the gorilla could have attacked us.
Bruce: Only if you attack first, or make him angry. I saw a movie about a woman, living with the apes for some time.
Dave: Tarzan?
Adrian: Tarzan was a man.
Dave: I know. Jane then.
Bruce: No, some real woman. Tarzan was fiction.
Steve: At last, we have arrived. Nicko, film this and we're off.
Nicko: Tape running. Impressive.
Janick: More water. Just think how easily our boat could have crushed down that fall.
Bruce: Don't think about it. We're safe here. Enjoy the moment.
Livingstone: I have never seen anything as beautiful as this. I shall name the cascade after our Queen. From now on the world will call them The Victoria Falls.
Bruce: Memorable words, probably.
Steve: What's wrong with "Mosi-oa-Tunya"? Smoke that thunders. Much more poetic than bloody Victoria Falls.
Livingstone: Nobody can remember such a name. I cannot call it like that. The Queen will look favourably on our next expedition if I honour her with naming the falls after her.
Steve: I see. Another colonial bastard. They're all the same. Let's get outta here.
Nicko: We have the footage, we have the map. All we need to do is find back to the TM.
Bruce: Let me deal with that.
Steve: Again?
Bruce: Sir Livingstone, sir. Our mission is accomplished. Now all we require is one of your great guides who know their way around the area.
Livingstone: I cannot give you one of our guides. We need them as backpack-carriers.
Steve: How about you carry your own stuff for a change?
Bruce: Steve, let me do this, ok. Di-plo-ma-cy, that's the ticket.
Steve: I don't think that helps a lot with this guy.
Bruce: Wait. Sir Livingstone ... how shall I put it? You want the funds. We have the funds. But for that we have to get back safely... you get my drift. You are camping here for a few days anyway. One of your guides will bring us back to the place where we found you. From there we can find our way around.
Livingstone: But ...
Bruce: That wasn't a request, sir. You want that money, don't you?
Thornton: He's kinda right, we need the funds. The guide can join us later.
Bruce: Yeah, listen to the greedy money-wallet. He's sensible, for once.
Livingstone: All right, you can take the guide. And one of the boats too. But then you have to tell your employer that we were really cooperative.
Bruce: We will relate everything as it has been perceived by us, don't worry. And thanks for the boat. It will be so much quicker.
Janick: Sigh, I feared I would have to get back into that boat.
Steve: It's quicker that way, Jan. I just want to be out of here as fast as possible. Those guys make me feel dirty.
Guide: You have to help rowing upriver.
Steve: Sure, we can row. We are not made of sugar. What's your name, mate?
Guide: Musoke. Means in your language: Rainbow.
Janick: I like that name alright.
Steve: Alright Musoke, guys, come on let's pull.
Nicko: Ah yes, this feels just like in Canada. I had a helluva muscle-ache the next morning.
Bruce: Let's sing a Shanty: "What shall we do with the drunken Janick, what shall we do with ..."
Janick: Haha. No jokes on my expenses here, please. I just lie down and try to forget the pain.
Adrian: Yeah, you lie down. I guess Steve, Bruce and Nicko can row the boat by themselves.
Dave: If you get tired, we can take turns.
Bruce: Nah, we're fine. I always wanted to be on a rowing team.
Steve: Yeah, every public-school-boy's dream, ey?
Bruce: I'm not taking offense, 'Arry.
Steve: Good. Pull away, mate.
Guide: There is the place you came to us.
Steve: Thanks Musoke, we appreciate. And also thank you for showing us Mosi-oa-Tunya. You got an amazing waterfall there.
Guide: Thank you, Steve.
Steve: Good bye, mate.
Adrian: From here, I find the way back to the TM. It's not difficult. I made lots of dents in the trees to mark the way.
Bruce: Adrian the boy-scout, as always. What would we do without you?
Adrian: Play gigs for the gorillas, hehe.
Steve: Luckily not. There's the TM. Ok, let's go home then. Someone push the buttons.