Part 32: Doctor, Doctor, Please!

Steve: Ah, Bruce, there you are. You're late.
Dave: You don't look good, mate.
Bruce: Honestly, I don't feel too good either.
Janick: Your face is all flushed and your eyes glow feverishly. Don't you think you'd better stay in bed today?
Bruce: Yeah well, I figured as this time-travel business has been my idea in the first place, I shouldn't be chickening out now.
Adrian: Oh come on, no one expects you to go on a mission if you're really ill.
Janick: Yes and depending on where we're going, it might not be a good idea to be ill ...
Bruce: What do you mean?
Steve: Well, he means that we might get into trouble because of you. I agree, maybe you should stay at home this time. In fact, maybe we should cancel the whole trip until you get better.
BBC-Manager: Ehm, we have to consider the audience of course ... they expect a show on Friday.
Steve: Do you want to hear my opinion about your audience?
BBC-Manager: Ehhh ...
Bruce: Let's not go into that, Steve, ok? The manager is right. We agreed in the contract that we would perform as a band.
BBC-Manager: Correct. And in view of the fact that Mr Dickinson is the most famous bandmember ...
Steve: ...
Bruce: Ehm, I think I'm feeling better already.
Nicko: You don't look better.
Bruce: I wanna do this trip ok? Let's go. I'll pull myself together.
Steve: We don't need heroics from you, Bruce. Don't play the martyr here.
Bruce: Don't worry. I'll be fine. Push the button.
Dave: We've arrived. Looks nice here.
Nicko: Nice sunny weather. We're in a city, by the looks of it. I'm gonna film around a bit.
Steve: Medieval, judging by the houses. And film close by, will you? Remember: we don't want to split up. H, what's the mission?
Adrian: Wait: ... "Bring back a historical G."
Dave: A gee?
Janick: What's a gea?
Adrian: That's all it says here. The single letter G. Nothing more.
Bruce: Maybe it's an abbreviation?
Janick: Abbreviation? They never gave us abbreviations before.
Steve: What are we supposed to do now? Guess words starting with a G? Could be anything.
Dave: Maybe it's a G-string.
Adrian: That's only wishful thinking, Dave.
Dave: No, wishful thinking would have been me saying: "Maybe it's a G-spot."
Steve: Dave, keep it in, will ya?
Bruce: Oh damn, I feel dizzy.
Janick: Shit, sit down here for a while. Oh man, you're blazing hot.
Steve: You should have stayed at home, fuck. What are we gonna do with you now?
Bruce: Just give me a couple of minutes and I'll be fine.
Adrian: Ok, meanwhile we could find out where we are.
Nicko: Let's take our Babel Pills. So, how do I talk, mates?
Dave: Sounds medievalish to me. Gothic, somehow.
Bruce: I think it's German. Not too modern a German, though.
Steve: Germany, eh? Well, we haven't had any missions in Germany yet, so it could well be.
Nicko: And Germany starts with a G. Maybe that's a clue.
Adrian: You mean we should bring a German citizen back home?
Janick: Highly doubtful.
Dave: Maybe a German G-string?
Steve: Dave ...
Dave: Incidentally, do you think we're in a city where we have been playing gigs already? Would be cool, maybe we're in Dortmund or Stuttgart. They have good beer in Germany.
Steve: Beer doesn't start with a G, so we're not gonna look for beer.
Bruce: I'd definitely go for a drink though. Water preferably. I feel dehydrated.
Janick: There's a fountain. Do you think the water is drinkable?
Adrian: I suppose so. See, there are wooden spoons hanging on a string.
Bruce: Yes, I'll have a drink. I'll be fine in a second. Sorry to hold you up, guys.
Nicko: I'll ask this fella over there where we are.
Steve: But be careful, ok?
Janick: Sit down here. I'll fetch you some water.
Bruce: Thanks. Oh fuck, I really feel shitty now. But don't tell the others, ok? I don't want to cause any trouble.
Janick: But Bruce, you really look feverish. It was a bad idea to come with us.
Bruce: Yes, by now I agree. It's so cold here.
Janick: It's not cold at all. You probably have the flu.
Bruce: Good that I didn't chicken out of this mission. So at least I don't have the chicken flu. Haha ... hoops, I feel weak.
Janick: You're shivering. Your face is all flushed and your hands ice-cold. Damn.
Bruce: Not good.
Nicko: Hello, good chap. May I ask you a question? What town is this?
Johannes: This is Mainz, of course. My name is Johannes. Who are you?
Nicko: Hi, I'm Nicko. And over there are me fellow travel companions. We're on a short visit to your beautiful town.
Johannes: I see. Well, I can show you around the city, if you like.
Nicko: Why not, might be a good idea. Let me go and fetch me friends.
Steve: So, what did he say?
Nicko: Mainz. That's in Germany.
Adrian: Not a very famous town, is it?
Dave: And it doesn't even start with a G.
Steve: This G-mystery is annoying me. There is some connection we haven't made yet.
Nicko: How is Bruce?
Dave: He's with Jan at the fountain. Looks like he's shivering. Poor Bruce.
Steve: Yeah, poor Bruce should have stayed at home, like I told him. But Mr Most Famous Bandmember wouldn't listen, as always.
Adrian: Oh, come on now, it's not his fault that the BBC manager is such a prick.
Steve: Hm.
Nicko: Johannes wants to give us a tour of the city. Maybe that way we find something out.
Dave: Who is Johannes?
Nicko: The bloke over there.
Dave: Right, I'll go and get Bruce and Jan then.
Adrian: Maybe there is an important relic in this city that starts with a G. Do you think we could simply ask the guy?
Steve: Depends. We might raise suspicion. I wouldn't want that.
Dave: Nicko organized us a tour guide. How are you, Bruce?
Janick: Honestly, I don't think he is up to a sightseeing tour. Look at the state he's in.
Bruce: Why don't you just go and leave me here. I'll crawl back to the TM and hide in the back.
Dave: I don't think Steve will approve of that.
Bruce: Yeah right, he doesn't trust me. Well, I'm in no shape to go roaming, so he can rest his mind in peace.
Dave: Not only that, but it's too dangerous alone.
Janick: He's right. I'll stay with you. Dave, tell the others that we'll stay with the TM.
Dave: Ok, but be careful. See you. We'll be back as soon as possible. Promised.
Adrian: So, what's up with Bruce?
Dave: They want to stay with the TM.
Steve: What? But ...
Dave: No, Steve, let them. Bruce looks really awful. He must have caught one helluva cold or something. It's better if they stay here. I'm sure they'll be fine.
Steve: All right then, let's lose no more time.
Nicko: Johannes, here are my friends. We're all eager to see a wee bit of your town.
Johannes: Nice to meet you all. Follow me please. The architecture is quite interesting, if you are keen on that.
Steve: Actually, we would like to see the typical Mainzian things.
Johannes: Typical?
Steve: Well, you know, an important item maybe, that's typical for your city.
Dave: Maybe starting with a G?
Adrian: Don't be too blunt, Dave.
Johannes: We have quite an imposing cathedral, St Martin's. But starting with a G? Ehm, I wouldn't know of anything right now. There are nice gardens near the cathedral. Maybe you're interested in botany?
Steve: Oh my, this is gonna be difficult.
Janick: Come on, Bruce. It's not that far anymore.
Bruce: Fuck, I haven't felt that bad in a while.
Janick: It was probably the time-trip that made you feel even more sick.
Bruce: I think I have to throw up.
Medicus: Oh, the poor man. I am a doctor. Let me help.
Janick: Ehm no, I think he just needs some rest.
Medicus: His face is red and swollen.
Bruce: My face is not swollen.
Medicus: Too much spleen. I can see it. He needs treatment.
Bruce: No, Jan! Don't let those medieval butchers get me.
Medicus: We're not butchers. I'm a university-trained doctor. Medicine has had many breakthroughs over the last few years. No more silly herb brews and veggie soups. Experimental science has spawned forth a brave new world. Don't worry: We can fix you.
Bruce: No ...
Janick: I think we are fine on our own, but thank you all the same.
Medicus: I have to insist. He might have a dangerous disease. We have to check it. We cannot afford the city to be contaminated. Here is my house. Please, bring him in. Alfred! Thomas! I need your help with this quite impatient patient.
Bruce: Oh damn. Jan, stay with me.
Janick: Yes, of course.
Johannes: Please, enter my humble abode. Maybe you'd care for a drink?
Steve: We cannot linger too long, I'm afraid. Our friend is ill, and we need to get him back home.
Johannes: If you have but a few minutes, I can show you my little invention.
Dave: Invention? Does it start with a G?
Johannes: I'm afraid not, it starts with a P.
Johannes: I call it a Printing Press. It makes it so much easier to print books in greater quantities.
Adrian: You are Johannes Gutenberg?
Johannes: Why yes. You know me then, stranger?
Adrian: Ehm, I've heard of you, yes.
Johannes: Maybe you have been to Strasbourg? I had my business in Strasbourg before I came back to my native city. I'm proud to say that I've made a little bit of a name for myself with my moveable types.
Nicko: Moveable types?
Johannes: Yes, a very useful invention. You see, every letter is put on a little lead stamp. The important letters, like E or S, appear more often of course, so we need more stamps for those. Then you put them in the correct word order, run some ink over it all and soon you'll have a reprint. In fact, you can make ten or even a hundred reprints of the same page in a matter of hours. It's so much quicker than the manuscript writing.
Steve: Wait a second ... did you just say lead letter-stamps?
Adrian: Bingo! The letter G.
Dave: Wow that was ingeniously clever.
Steve: Can we have a look at your printing press? I'm curious to see these letters.
Johannes: Sure, please follow me into my office.
Nicko: I hope Bruce and Jan are alright.
Steve: If I find out that Bruce was faking his bout of fever to roam around on his own, he's gonna have a hard time.
Bruce: Ooooh. My stomach hurts. I have trouble breathing.
Medicus: He is utterly sanguine. It's the spleen. Take his clothes off.
Janick: Do you really think that is necessary?
Medicus: Are you a doctor?
Janick: Eh, no.
Medicus: So you'll agree that I, having studied the great art of medicine for many years, know better what is necessary and what not, don't you, young man?
Janick: Young man? Well, I ...
Bruce: I want to go home. I don't want to be butchered. Let me go!
Medicus: He is delirious. It's the liver as well. He's choleric.
Bruce: Everyone would become choleric in your presence.
Medicus: We have to calm him down. Bind him to the bed.
Janick: Now this goes a bit too far, doesn't it?
Medicus: Keep out of my way. We'll help your friend. Thomas, go and fetch the bucket of leeches.
Bruce: What!? Leeches!? No, I don't want to be bled to death. Jan!
Janick: Look, he's already feeling better.
Medicus: He's not. But he soon will be. He has excessive humour, which we will drain out of him soon enough. His juices will be purified. It's advanced medicine.
Bruce: It's bloody slaughter, that is. Let me go. Oh fuck.
Medicus: Your body has to be purged of the unclean elements. The leeches will help.
Janick: I really think ... ouch! Let me go!
Thomas: You better wait outside. You are only hindering the healing process.
Medicus: Lock the door, Alfred. I hate annoying bystanders who think they know better.
Janick: Fuck, let me back in!!!
Bruce: Help!
Medicus: We'll help you. Here are the leeches. I'll put them in place. One on your jugular vein.
Bruce: Ow!!
Medicus: No, it doesn't hurt a bit, don't be whimsical. One here on your artery. Two on the chest. And one on each leg. There, that wasn't too bad, was it?
Bruce: I don't need bleeding ... I need water.
Medicus: Now water isn't very healthy. We'll get you some wine later on. See, you've already calmed down. The healing process has started.
Bruce: I feel weak ...
Medicus: You better sleep a bit. We'll come back in a few moments.
Johannes: See, now I have the text complete. Note that it's all in mirror-image? Now when I run the ink rollpin over it and I turn it around and press it on the paper ... out comes the correct text. Isn't that ingenious?
Dave: It definitely is.
Steve: Yes, very interesting. Do you mind if we keep one of these letters as a souvenir?
Johannes: Well, to be honest, the making of the lead stamps is very costly. And if I just handed free letters to anybody who asks, I would be a poor man.
Nicko: Oh, just a little G, please. You don't need that one too often, hm?
Johannes: No, sorry. I don't give away any of my letters. I'm a bit protective about those. But I tell you what: I'll print you a page with G's on it, as you seem to be so fond of that letter. And then I must ask you to leave.
Adrian: He's smelling something. We insisted too much.
Steve: Yeah, he probably thinks we're weirdos. Alright, we accept a piece of printed paper then. Better than nothing. We have to get back to Bruce anyway. Who knows what might have happened in the meantime.
Janick: Bruce? Do you hear me? I came in by the window.
Bruce: Jan ... help me out of here. They're draining me. This isn't healthy.
Janick: Fuck, you're losing too much blood.
Bruce: Get these bloody leeches off me.
Janick: I don't know how. Can I just rip them off? Yuk.
Bruce: Do what you must. The little beasts are sucking me dry. Quick, before the butchers come back.
Janick: Alright. Urgh, this is disgusting.
Bruce: Ow, ohhh, this hurts. My head is spinning.
Janick: Damn, I can hear them coming back. If they find me here ...
Bruce: Go and get the others ... together you can get me out of here.
Janick: I don't know where they went. How shall I find them?
Bruce: I don't care how you do it, but be quick or I'll be dead. I don't feel too well.
Janick: I'll be back, I promise. See you.
Bruce: Don't let me down, mate.
Medicus: And here we are again, for round number two.
Bruce: Help!
Johannes: Here is your printed paper. And now I have some work to do. Have a nice day, my friends and good bye.
Nicko: Yes, and thanks for the tour, anyway.
Steve: Damn. He was a bit miserly with his printing letters. Why couldn't he just spare one?
Adrian: You think BBC will accept a printed paper with G-letters?
Steve: This paper looks so bloody stupid. And I'm sure they won't accept it. Fuck.
Dave: I think they much prefer this little leaden stamp of the letter G.
Nicko: Davey! You nicked a letter?
Dave: Yes. When Johannes was showing you the paper stack in the corner, I took the liberty to help myself to one of them. He had plenty of them. I don't see why he was so uncooperative.
Steve: Ok, now we better get back to the TM fast. I fear our friend Johannes might count his letters and find one is missing.
Adrian: Yes, and then we're in trouble again.
Nicko: Oh-oh. There's Jan at the TM, but where is Bruce?
Steve: I knew it! He went off playing tourist again.
Janick: At last, there you are. Bruce is in big trouble.
Steve: Not yet, but he will be when I get him.
Janick: No, this time it's serious. They will kill him if we don't get him out of there.
Adrian: Ok, Jan, tell us what happened ...
Medicus: Alfred, see here. His eyes are a bit bloodshot. This means that he is too choleric. The little vessels break easily when the patient gets excited.
Alfred: I see, master. And then we have to put on some more leeches, so that he will calm down.
Medicus: Exactly. We put one right here, next to the eye, there is a good vein.
Bruce: Ow, let me be, you freak, you ...
Medicus: You will note that the patient is already much calmer than when he arrived.
Bruce: I am almost drained of all my blood!
Thomas: He is still flushed in the face though.
Medicus: Correct! And what do we do about that?
Thomas: More leeches?
Medicus: Yes! Any idea for a good spot?
Thomas: The forehead, maybe?
Medicus: And more precisely? Note that nice little vein puckering at his temple? Come here, little bugger, it's feeding time!
Bruce: Arghhh!!!
Medicus: Students, a good blood-letting will bring the fever down rapidly.
Bruce: It will bring me down rapidly, you bloodsuckers!
Medicus: You are too suspicious of medicine. That is a most unhealthy attitude, my friend.
Bruce: You're not my friend.
Thomas: What's that commotion outside?
Bruce: Hopefully Steve and the others ...
Steve: Alright, what's happening here? I want an explanation for this behaviour.
Medicus: Who do you think you are?
Steve: You don't know who I am? I am the reknowned Doctor Stephanus from Cologne and this is my patient.
Medicus: Doctor Stephanus? I must admit I don't ...
Adrian: Don't worry about it. You're only a little provincial doctor. You don't have to know every famous professor in Germany.
Medicus: Famous? Well, of course I've heard about you, Doctor Stephanus.
Steve: Ah, good. That's settled then. This is my patient. I told my assistent Jan here to take care of him, and now he tells me that you dared to kidnap my patient. What is this all about?
Medicus: Well, I swore the Hippocratic Vow to save people.
Janick: A hypocritic vow, more likely.
Steve: What a mess! Adrian, get these leeches off him. That's not what he needs right now.
Bruce: Thank you.
Adrian: Yuk. He lost way too much blood. He is very weak.
Steve: Admit it, charlatan, you wanted to kill my patient!
Medicus: By no means! You are a doctor, you must know about the latest discoveries in medicine.
Steve: I know about them, but it seems that you don't. Ever heard about intravenous feeding?
Medicus: Ehm ...
Steve: Antiseptic treatment?
Medicus: Excuse me?
Steve: Magnetic resonance imaging?
Medicus: I'm sorry ...
Steve: I see. So don't tell me about latest discoveries. Nicko, Jan, you two carry Bruce. We'll leave now.
Nicko: I take his legs, you have him Jan?
Janick: Yes, heave him up.
Medicus: Look, I have to insist ...
Steve: Do you think you are in any position to insist about something? Well, mate, think again.
Dave: You can be happy if we don't press charges.
Medicus: What?
Adrian: Let's get out of here.
Medicus: But ...
Steve: If he dies, you can be sure that I'll find you, and then your medical career is done and over. Pray that you don't meet me again, Leech.
Bruce: I'm so happy to see you guys.
Dave: Easy now. We'll get you out of here alive.
Janick: Bruce, I say, you are pretty heavy.
Nicko: He would be even heavier if he still had all his blood.
Bruce: Very funny, guys. Will I make it?
Steve: Of course you'll make it, don't be silly. You're strong and healthy. A little blood-letting is nothing.
Bruce: You didn't see those leeches feeding on your chest. Oh my. And I was blood-donating only last week.
Adrian: You'll be fine. See, there is the TM.
Dave: Oh damn, and there's Johannes!
Johannes: Those are the men who stole one of my letters. Arrest them!
Steve: Fuck, he WAS actually counting them. Can you believe that?
Dave: What a miserable miser! Mistrusting our honest faces. That hurts.
Adrian: Get into the TM, quickly.
Johannes: Seize the thieves! I want my G back!
Nicko: We're in, push the buttons.
Dave: Oops. In the nick of time, once again. Now let's get Bruce to a doctor.
Bruce: I think I've seen enough of doctors for a lifetime. Makes you think about what Faust said:
Here was the medicine; the patients died,
And no one questioned: who got well?

Dave: Poor guy, he's delirious.
Bruce: No, I'm not. ... So, who was the loonie screaming for his G?
Steve: We'll tell you all about it when we get home. For now, just rest a bit.