Part 22: The Sight of a Loaded Gun

Nicko: No better way to spend a break in-between gigs than going on a time-travel mission. Yippie!
Adrian: I could come up with a few things that are better, you know.
Steve: Yeah, less dangerous things. Like playing footie …
Adrian: … or fishing …
Nicko: Both can be dangerous as well: imagine you encounter hooligans … or piranhas, teehee.
Adrian: I never fish where there's piranhas.
Steve: And I think most 'ooligans would have wet their pants on some of our missions. Anyway, I'm not afraid of 'ooligans. Let'em come, them 'ooligans.
Bruce: Ok, now that we all agree that BBC is more dangerous than hooligans and piranhas combined, can I maybe read the mission?
Dave: Yes, please, I'm eager to know what we have to find this time.
Bruce: Ok, let me see … oh. Well …
Steve: What is it?
Adrian: Trouble?
Bruce: It says here: "Bring back a historic bullet."
Steve: Fuck, now they already include weapons in our missions. To think that we already nearly died when we just had to find some stupid eggshells or a harmless book.
Dave: Maybe they didn't mean "bullet" but "bull"? Remember the Minotaur?
Adrian: Hm, and you think it's easier to catch and bring back a raving bull to our Time Machine?
Dave: Uhm, no, not exactly.
Janick: Have a look around you guys: I think we're still in America. It doesn't look much different from Buffalo, New York, where we played yesterday.
Bruce: You're right. This reminds me of a Wild West town. Saloons and crazy goons.
Steve: Right, I can see one.
Bruce: I'm not taking this personal.
Steve: Fine.
Dave: Guys, stop quarreling.
Nicko: The Wild West. This period fits perfectly with the "bullet" mission. There must be bullets lying around here by the dozens.
Steve: Ok, let's check the area. As soon as we find a bullet, we're out of here.
Bruce: But …
Steve: No butts, Bruce.
Bruce: Ha-ha. No, but seriously. They want a "historic bullet". Who says that the next best bullet lying in the mud is a historic one?
Steve: It's old - it's historic. Easy as that. Ask any archaeologist, he'll tell you.
Bruce: Nevertheless, I daresay that there is a chance you might ...
Adrian: I'm willing to take the risk that BBC won't find out anyway. Arry's right: any bullet will do.
Janick: Well, I see Bruce's point, though. We did so great thus far, we kinda have a reputation to defend. Our fans don't want to be disappointed next Friday night.
Nicko: I think we're getting better at each mission. I'm not really worried.
Dave: Me neither. See, there's a saloon. Why don't we discuss our plans over a nice pint?
Steve: Hm. I would prefer us to keep a low profile. These guys might be a tough bunch.
Bruce: Says somebody who claims not to be afraid of hooligans.
Steve: I'm not. I've survived you for twenty-five years, a bunch of 'ooligans won't shock me. Ok, let's have a drink and find out about some historically important people in this time.
Nicko: Yeah, and as soon as they get shot, we can dig the bullet out of the bleeding stumps.
Janick: Nicko, you are macabre.
Nicko: Sorry, bad joke, I know.
Bruce: Ok, guys, let's pop in a pill and get that hot-potato accent straight. *pop*
Steve:
Nicko: Wohooo, great saloon feeling. I'm gonna film around a bit. Order me a pint as well, will you?
Adrian: Why has it gone all quiet when we entered?
Bruce: No idea, buddy, but let's pretend we didn't notice.
Barman: What can I do for you, strangers?
Dave: I'll have a pint.
Bruce: A whiskey for me. Make that a double.
Steve: Bruce! Keep sober, will you, please?
Bruce: I'm just fitting in, ok? Tough guys drink whiskey.
Steve: One more reason not to drink one. Anyway, though guys don't throw up whiskey later on.
Bruce: Sometimes they do. Besides, it takes more than a glass of whiskey to knock me down.
Dave: I'm gonna have a look at the ladies dancing on the stage. They look hot. Wanna come with me, H?
Adrian: Ok, there's a free table over there, let's sit down. Might as well have some fun while we're here.
Dave: Exactly my thinking. Guys, we're not far, in case you need us.
Steve: Ok. And try to find out what time we're in, if you get into a conversation with the locals.
…
Barman: You're not from the area, are you?
Janick: No, we just arrived with the coach.
Barman: There hasn't been a coach here for two weeks …
Janick: Ehm …
Bruce: I couldn't have fucked this up more than you just did, Jan, hehe. I'm glad I didn't say this.
Steve: Hm. So, what's the news around here? Anything important happening the last few weeks?
Barman: We're a quiet town. People mind their own business. So should you.
Bruce: Good, that's very good. Thanks for the advice, buddy. So, you have no shoot-outs, no bank robberies, no Indian attacks?
Barman: Indian attacks? No, we haven't had those in a long time. Why? You had trouble with the Redskins on your way here?
Bruce: No, we didn't. They're a friendly bunch, somehow.
Barman: Wouldn't know about that. That's two dollars, by the way.
Steve: We'll pay you in a minute, alright?
Barman: Hm.
…
Nicko: Hey, Dave'n H, mind if I join?
Dave: Of course not. Why don't you film the ladies? They're excellent.
Nicko: I already have enough footage to make Clint Eastwood jealous, hehe.
Norma: Hello, handsome.
Adrian: Huh? You mean me, lady?
Norma: Of course I mean you, sweetheart. Care to offer me a drink? I'm Norma.
Dave: I'll get you something, Norma. What do you want?
Norma: A whiskey would be just fine. Thanks, honey. You guys are new in town, right?
Nicko: Yes. We have only just arrived.
Adrian: And we probably won't stay long. And don't tousle my hair, please.
Norma: What a pity. Just when we get to know each other better, hm, sweetie?
Adrian: Listen, lady, do you really have to sit on my lap?
Norma: Don't tell me I'm too heavy for you.
Adrian: No, but a chair would be much more comfortable, don't you think?
Norma: No, I don't think so. … Thanks, for the drink, blondie.
Dave: My name is Dave. There you go. H, you're so lucky, mate.
Adrian: You think so? You can have her if you want. I'm feeling so embarrassed. Lady, could you please keep your hands on the glass?
…
Steve: Am I mistaken or is Adrian hitting on a barmaid?
Bruce: Looks more like the lady is hitting on him, if you ask me. He has this "please-help-me-out-of-here" look. Poor H, hehe.
Barman: That's not a barmaid. Her name is Norma, and she is working here.
Steve: As what?
Barman: What do you think?
Steve: Hm. I think it's time we move over to their table before they get into trouble.
Janick: Good idea. Oops.
Billy: Hey, did you push me on purpose?
Janick: Sorry, mate, I didn't see you.
Billy: Oh, but I think you saw me all right.
Janick: What?
Barman: Let him be, Billy. They're paying customers. I hope. No fights in here, ok?
Billy: Sure, no fights. I know the rules. … Wanna join us at the poker table, blondie?
Janick: …
Bruce: Yeah, why don't we play poker? Great idea. We somehow have to win the money to pay for the drinks.
Janick: Right, I forgot. Ok, why not. I'm actually pretty good at poker. Used to play it before gigs, with Ian and the boys. We should be able to win.
…
Steve: Hey, there. I see you got company.
Dave: Hehe, Steve, may I present you Sheila? And that's Norma. Girls, this is our buddy Steve.
Sheila: Hi, handsome.
Norma: Hello, darling.
Steve: Hi. Ehm … What are you doing with these birds?
Adrian: I've been trying to get her off my lap for the last 15 minutes, but she won't budge.
Steve: I see.
Nicko: Ah, Jan and Bruce have joined the poker party. Good idea, as we have to win some money, before they make us clean the dishes.
Steve: Yes, I was thinking that you could maybe help them "win", Dave. You know, like in Marathon?
Dave: Oh, well I suppose I could. But then I would have to leave the ladies.
Sheila: Oh, but I can come with you. I will be your good-luck charm.
Dave: Good then. See you later guys.
Adrian: Why don't you accompany him as well, Norma? He might need two good-luck charms.
Norma: I think, Sheila is more than enough for Davey …
Steve: Look, Norma, we are discussin' business here, so why don't you leave us for a while? Have another drink. There's a good girl.
Norma: Ok, sweetie, I know when I'm not wanted. I'll be back later, Ady. *kiss*
Steve: Ady?
Adrian: Well … thanks for rescuing me, 'Arry.
Nicko: I'm having a look at the poker table as well. Interesting footage. The angels and the gamblers.
Steve: Yeah, meanwhile I wanted to have a look outside. I don't think we will find any bullets in here. Gonna come with me, H?
Adrian: Sure. Can't be more dangerous outside than in here with those crazy birds.
…
Bruce: So, now we're supposed to make a "poker-face", huh? Hehe.
Dave: I didn't even know you knew the rules for poker, Bruce.
Bruce: In fact, I don't. Is that a good card I have here?
Janick: What? You don't know poker? How will we win?
Bruce: You and Davey can win. I don't have to win. I just want to have fun.
Billy: I raise the stakes.
Dave: No problem.
Sheila: Billy, beware, you might have found your match here.
Billy: He would be the first to beat me in poker, darling. *kiss*
Bruce: Ehm, can I exchange my cards? These don't look so good.
Billy: Of course, you can't. Are you bluffing?
Bruce: Maybe. You never know, hehe.
Janick: Better not talk too much, Bruce.
Billy: You still with us? I raise again.
Janick: That's too hot for me. Fold.
Bruce: Scuse me?
Janick: I give up. I don't have good cards.
Bruce: Aha. Do I have good cards? Have a lookie, Jan.
Janick:
Dave: I follow you.
Sheila: Davey, I must warn you that Billy is a wicked poker player. I wouldn't want you to lose this round. You might still need your money, honey.
Billy: You still in the game, Bruce?
Bruce: Ehm … come to think of it, I better fold it in as well. Fold it up, whatever. I have the feeling I can't really win with Twos and Sixes of all possible colours. It's up to you, Davey-boy.
Dave: I raise the stakes.
Billy: You do? Well, I follow suit. You're crushed, Smiler. Show your cards.
Dave: Why don't you show yours first?
Billy: There you go: Straight Flush, 7,8,9,10 and Jack of Hearts.
Norma: Oh, Billy you are the best. *kiss*
Dave: I'm sorry, but you lose, mate. I have a Royal Flush: 10, Jack, Queen, King and Ace High! All in diamonds.
Billy: What?
Bruce: Eh-he-heeee. Davey, you saved us once again. Let's collect the money. Thank you for the game and adios amigos.
…
Steve: It is kinda cool to be strolling through an authentic Western town.
Adrian: Yeah, as a kid I used to play cowboys in the streets of Hackney. Mh, that was a nice time. Look, there's the Sheriff's office.
Steve: Maybe we should ask the guy for a bullet. Let's see whether he's in.
Sheriff: And who be you?
Steve: Hi, sheriff. We're just passing by. Wanted to pick up on the latest gossip.
Sheriff: Best place for gossip is the saloon.
Adrian: Ehm, we've been there, but the ladies gave us some trouble.
Sheriff: Trouble, eh? Never heard a complaint about the ladies before. You are unsatisfied with their services?
Adrian: No! Ehm …
Steve: We're not into ladies, that's all.
Sheriff: You're not?
Steve: No, not what you think, mate. We're married. Happily. Got it? So, no wrong assumptions, please. But we have a question …
…
Bruce: Now we can pay you, barkeeper. And another round for the two ladies here.
Norma: Thank you so much, honey. *kiss*
Billy: You cheated, Smilie!
Dave: No, I didn't. I was only lucky.
Billy: You can't be that lucky. This was a trick.
Bruce: Hey why don't you take your loss like a real man?
Billy: What?
Bruce: Yeah, why don't you accept that Davey was better than you? What the fuck do you think you little fuckhead ...
Janick: Bruce, better not rant here.
Bruce: Who's ranting? Seriously, this pisses me off. Why do you think that Davey cheated? Probably because you were cheating in the first place, huh?
Billy: You're calling me a cheater?
Bruce: Well, you were calling my friend a cheater. So, yes, I'm calling you a cheater and we're even now.
Billy: I get even with you, Bigmouth.
Bruce: Why is everybody calling me Bigmouth? I'm fed up with ... Oh-oh, hey, hold it, ok? Let me go.
Barman: Billy! No fights in here. Take him outside if you want to do him in.
Billy: You come with me. Outside.
Nicko: Listen, Billy, maybe we can sort this out on a friendly basis? Ouch!
Dave: Ooh, that was a wicked punch. Is your nose broken?
Nicko: Can't really break much in there anymore. Fuck me old boots, this boy is getting on my nerves.
Bruce:Why did you hit Nicko now? This is between you and me, ok? Who do you think you are, Billy the Kid?
Janick:
Bruce: Oh-oh. You ARE Billy the Kid, right?
Billy: I don't like being called a kid. You're a dead man, Bigmouth.
Barman: No, Billy, DON'T shoot in the saloon!
…
Steve: Did you hear that? What was that?
Sheriff: Damn! They're shooting in the saloon. I have to go.
Steve: Why do I have the feeling that Bruce is somehow involved in this?
Sheriff: I'm pretty sure that Billy the Kid is involved in this. There were rumours that he was back in town.
Steve: Billy the Kid? That trigger-happy maniac from the movies?
Sheriff: A maniac with excellent shooting skills.
Adrian: Damn, trouble again. At least now we know where to look for historic bullets.
Steve: And I told Dave to win at poker against him … Fuck!
…
Nicko: I'll show you what happens when you punch grown-ups' noses, kiddo.
Billy: Ouch, hey!
Dave: Great punch. You kicked the pistol out of his hands, Nick.
Nicko: Ok, and now we all calm dow… ouch! Hey, now hold it, kid, ok?
Billy: I'm not a kid, Flatnose! Arrrrgh!
Sheila: Go, Billy! Show them.
Bruce: Hehe, an authentic saloon fight. Mind if I borrow the camera, Nicko, while you sort it out with bimbo here?
Nicko: No, go ahead. I hope I look good on the footage. Kid, I'm afraid this will hurt a bit. *punch*
Billy: I'M NOT A KID!!!!
Nicko: Ahh, he bit me, can you believe that? Play fair, boy. Fight like a man if you want to be treated like one.
Dave: Don't hurt him too much, Nicko.
Nicko: Are you kidding? This boy is a lunatic. He gave me a wicked punch in the ribs for no reason at all. He can take care of himself.
Barman: OUT OF MY SALOON!! I'm calling the sheriff.
Sheila: Billy! Here's your gun, baby.
Billy: Hehe, thanks, darling. I owe you one.
Sheila: He's so sweet.
Dave: Sweet? This guy is threatening my mate.
Nicko: Hold it steady, boy, a gun is not a toy.
Billy: Now, you're begging, aren't you? Don't move. And give me the money back.
Bruce: Is that gun loaded?
Billy: Of course it's loaded. Wanna see? *shoots*
Nicko. Argh, oh fuck, he shot me in the leg.
Janick: Nicko!
…
Sheriff: Damn, a customer just got shot in the leg.
Steve: Fuck, it's Nicko! We have to help him.
Sheriff: No, wait. Billy is freaking out. And he has his gun ready. If we just rush in there, we will be dead before we cross the threshold.
Adrian: What kind of a sheriff are you?
Sheriff: The kind who wants to stay alive.
Steve: I'm not just sitting here and watch while a loony is shooting down my bandmates. We have a gig to play tomorrow in Pennsylvania. Is there a back-door to the saloon?
Sheriff: Yes, you can enter through that door. It will take you straight behind the counter.
Steve: Sounds good. H, you're coming?
Adrian: Sure, at least we will have the surprise on our side.
…
Barman: Billy! Please, don't shoot the wiskey-bottles. Too late, sigh.
Janick: Fuck, this boy is insane. A maniac with a licence to kill.
Dave: Let's get Nicko out of the bar while the kid is not looking.
Nicko: Oh, this 'kin hurts.
Bruce: He's losing a lot of blood. We have to get the bullet out.
Billy: Hey, where do you think you're going?
Janick: Just get him out, I keep him occupied.
Dave: Be careful, mate.
Janick: Now, why don't you put your toy away for a second and show me another one of your punches, KIDDO?
Billy: Argh! You want another punch? That suit you?
Janick: How about this?
Barman: Don't crash the chair, please! Too late, sigh.
…
Dave: Let's put him in the hay here. You alright, mate?
Nicko: Don't talk, just get the 'kin bullet out.
Bruce: Where are Steve and H when you need them? We can't leave Jan alone inside.
Dave: I just had a look through the window, they seem to have switched to boxing. Jan can handle that, I think. He's much more agile than this hyped-up psychopath.
Nicko: You still have your pocket knife, Bruce?
Bruce: Yes, why? … Oh, no. I don't think it's a good idea to doctor on your leg.
Nicko: It hurts like shit. You have to get it out.
Dave: Here's my zippo. I think we have to heat the blade.
Bruce: I think I'm going to faint.
Nicko: I wish I had a wiskey. Just do it, Dave, ok?
...
Steve: Can you see anything? Have a peep over the counter.
Adrian: Wait … seems like he put his gun down. Jan is rolling on the floor with him right now. I can't see the other three.
Steve: I hope they had the sense to get Nicko out of here.
Barman: What are you two doing behind my bar?
Steve: Shhhh. You better not spoil this for us, or there won't be a single bottle left in your bar.
Adrian: We're here to help, ok?
Barman: Billy has a very bad temper.
Steve: I can see that. Can I borrow that bottle?
Barman: Sure. I don't care anymore. Sigh. This is not the right job for me.
Adrian: I guess we only have one try.
Steve: So we better not fuck it up. H, try to lure him here.
Adrian: Ok, I do my best.
…
Bruce: What if we make it worse?
Dave: It's not as if we had a choice, Bruce. This wound is already festering. We have to get that bullet out.
Nicko: Give me a piece of wood to chew on. They do that in the movies.
Dave: Are you ready, mate?
Nicko: No, but go ahead. I won't get any readier.
Dave: Ok, I'll cut it out. Sorry, if it hurts.
Nicko: ARRRRRRRRRRGHH!
Bruce: Dave, I think he passed out!
Dave: Maybe that's a blessing. I have the bullet.
Bruce: Well, at least we solved our mission. What's more historic than a bullet from Billy the Kid's gun?
Dave: True. How is Janick doing inside?
Bruce: Let me have a look. … Oh, seems like H has shown up on the scenery.
…
Janick: Ouch! Damn.
Billy: Take this! And that! You won't get up again, Blondie. I'll have your guts for breakfast.
Adrian: Why don't you fight with someone who is used to it?
Billy: Huh? And who are you?
Norma: That's Ady. Don't hurt him, he's cute.
Billy: Ady, eh? You think you are used to fighting, Ady?
Adrian: I think you are too scared to find out, kiddo.
Billy: Me scared of you? And I hate being called kiddo.
Adrian: Well, I hate being called Ady.
Norma: Oh.
Billy: I will write ADY on your tombstone. *charges*
Adrian: I'm not so sure about that. *ducks* Steve, NOW!
Steve: Take that, hothead!
…
Bruce: Hehehe! 'Arry just hit the kid with a whiskey bottle over the head. The boy is knocked out. Great.
Dave: That's good news. We better call them. Nicko needs a doctor, and fast.
Bruce: Yeah, I'm going to get them. We better be off. I'll be right back. You stay with Nicko.
Dave: Ok.
…
Steve: High five, H. We're a bloody good team.
Adrian: Yeah, it takes more than a wanna-be gangster to bring Iron Maiden down.
Norma: Ady, you're my hero.
Adrian: Oh, no, I forgot about her. Help!
Steve: Jan, are you ok, mate?
Janick: Oooh, my stomach hurts, but I'm fine. Is the boy knocked out?
Steve: This one won't wake up for the next hour. I gave 'im a good knock on the 'ead.
Bruce: There you are. Awesome performance. And there's still one intact table remaining. Good, good.
Steve: And where have you been?
Bruce: We had to operate a bullet out of Nick's leg. Nasty business, I nearly threw up.
Steve: Why did YOU throw up when Nick was the one who got shot?
Bruce: Well … it looked … ugly.
Steve: Pussy!
Bruce: Scuse me? It's was BLEEDING!
Adrian: Look, lady, seriously, I'm a married man and she's damn jealous, I can tell you. So, I have to go now. Sorry.
Norma: Oh come on. Won't you come into my room ...
Adrian: No, I ... oh, don't tousle me again, please.
Norma: I'm gonna show you all my wares ...
Adrian: Help! No. I have to go. Steve!
Steve: I'm coming. Bruce, did Dave win at poker?
Bruce: Course he did. That's what triggered the whole fight. The kid was a bad loser.
Steve: Give me the money.
Bruce: Why?
Steve: I have to bail Adrian out, so that we can leave here.
Norma: Don't be shy, Ady.
Adrian: My name is Adrian, not Ady, dammit. And stop fumbling on my shirt.
Steve: Ehm, Norma, why don't you go upstairs and wait for us there? We have some business to finish down here.
Norma: I don't trust you. Last time, you two just left.
Steve: I'll pay you upfront, ok? Would we leave without getting our money's worth from you?
Norma: Wow you're generous. I'll wait upstairs for you guys. You won't be disappointed. *kiss*
Steve: Yeah, sure, see you later.
Adrian: Pooh, that was in the nick of time. She was really overwhelming. Wouldn't take no for an answer. I hate such birds.
Steve: Let's get out of here.
…
Dave: Ah, there you are. Nick has come round. But he lost much blood. We have to carry him to the TM.
Steve: Hey mate. Couldn't keep your legs out of the line of fire, huh?
Nicko: Hehe, good joke. Damn, I feel a bit weak. Well, I kinda deserved it. With me making thoses jokes about digging out a historic bullet. Now I'm the one who got shot. That's what I call irony.
Steve: Think you can handle the bass-pedal tomorrow?
Bruce: I can't believe that's the only thing on your mind right now. He could have died, you know?
Steve: Yeah, he could 'ave. But seeing that he survived, I'm thinking about our fans at the Ozzfest, ok?
Janick: Nicko, you are pretty heavy. You should stop eating at Toff's.
Nicko: Fuck me old boots, Toff's is not making me fat. Fish is very healthy.
Janick: Yeah, but the chips aren't.
Adrian: There we are. Back in the TM. Everybody in? Let's bring Nicko to a doctor.
Bruce: Hehe. Bring your drummer, bring your drummer … to the doctor. Get 'im home, get 'im home, get 'im home.
Steve: Ok, now that you had your chance to sing another song, let's push the buttons. Bye bye, Wild West.