19: Fight for the Splendour
Ok, on we are for another mission. I have a good feeling about this
Adrian: You have?
Nicko: Ehm, just a manner of speaking, talk about
Adrian: Hm. And for a second I thought you already
knew where we are.
Nicko: No, I'm afraid I don't know yet.
Bruce: But we can find out. There's a village over
there. Let's have a lookie.
Steve: Wait! I'd prefer to first check the area around
here, before we venture into town.
Dave: Bonne idée.
Why do you speak French all of a sudden?
Dave: Umph. J'ai déjà pris la BP.
Bruce: He already took the Babel Pill. Great, so
we're in France.
Adrian: But we already had the French Revolution
Nicko: There are other important periods in French
history, Adrian, my friend.
Adrian: Oh yeah? Name one!
Nicko: Ehm …
Bruce: Naw, seriously, there are tons: Louis XIV
with his Versailles, the Hundred Years War …
Steve: Knowing our luck, we have probably landed
in that period.
Janick: Hmm, the Hundred Years War was against England,
Janick: Ok, so we better take those pills as well.
Wouldn't want to be caught speaking English here.
Adrian: Good point.
Bruce: I won't take a pill this time, if you don't
Steve: But we DO mind … care to tell us why?
Bruce: Ehm, well, I know some French. And I want
to practice a bit, what with the tour and so on. I want to shout "Scream
for me Parc des Princes" in perfect French.
Steve: Bruce! You'll get us into trouble again.
Bruce: No, don't worry. I'll be quiet, for most of
the time, ok? I'll just be listening and occasionally dropping in
the odd word. Like "bonjour" and "merci". Nothing
Steve: Now why don't I believe that?
Bruce: No idea.
Dave: What's the mission this time?
Adrian: Oh, right, I have the paper: "Bring
back a historical hat." Huh?
Nicko: A hat? Interesting. A French hat.
Steve: So we have to be in a period where some specific
hats were worn.
Bruce: This DOES sound like French Revolution again,
though. The Phrygian caps, remember?
Janick: Yeah, but that doesn't make sense. Why would
they send us twice to the same time?
Steve: Maybe because they didn't manage to behead
us the first time around?
Bruce: You really have a negative attitude towards
Steve: Not altogether unfounded. And stop speaking
English. In case someone overhears us.
Bruce: Relax, Steve. There's nobody around.
Steve: You never know. Ok, let's go down to the village,
we won't find a hat in this meadow. Mabye we can just buy one.
Adrian: Oh yeah, no problem. We have loads of French
Steve: Fuck! I forgot about the money.
Dave: Maybe we can steal one.
Nicko: Davey! I wouldn't have thought this of you,
Dave: Well, since we have stolen that book from this
Nipple-guy's library, I realized that was the easiest way.
Bruce: He means Assurbanipal.
Dave: That's what I said.
Janick: Ouch! Damn!
Steve: What is it, Jan?
Janick: I tripped over a stone. Damn, this hurts.
Dave: Everything ok? Can you walk?
Janick: I'll try. Ouch! No, I think my ankle's sprained.
Nicko: Show me. Fuck me old boots! It's already starting
Bruce: Great, so if we have to make a runner this
time, you won't make it.
Janick: That's encouraging. Thanks so much, Bruce.
Steve: But he's right. You better not come down to
the village. Damn, but I wanted us to stay together.
Dave: Let's split in two groups. Two of us stay with
Jan, and the other three try to find out what's up with that hat.
Steve: Ok, might be a good idea. Bruce, you stay
Bruce: Why me? I wanted to check out the village.
Steve: Yeah, but you also refuse to take the Babel
Pill, and you promised to keep a low profile. One cannot "check
out the village" by keeping a low profile. Not you, anyway.
Bruce: What's that supposed to mean? I want to have
some fun too. Besides, you need me. I might know historical facts
that you don't.
Steve: And you might get us into trouble, which I
Bruce: You could also get us into trouble. I'm just
saying: Spanish Inquisition.
Steve: Well, that was only one incident …
Dave: Don't quarrel, guys. What if we just pull sticks?
Wouldn't that be more neutral?
Nicko: Good idea. Two small sticks and three long
ones. The small ones stay with Jan. Take one, Bruce.
Janick: Why am I symbolized by a small stick?
Steve: We'll not be having that discussion now.
Bruce: Shall I take this one? Or that? Maybe rather
Steve: Just take one, ok?
Bruce: Ok … hehehe! Mine's a large one! Hehe,
I'm back in the village agaaaaaain!
Steve: Stop singing. And talk French, will you.
Bruce: Ok! Retour au villaaaaaaaaaaaage!
Bruce: Ok, ok, I'm quiet. Zip.
Adrian: I have a small stick.
Adrian: Very funny ... So I stay here with Jan. Great.
For once I have the easiest part. We can have a little siesta in the
shade of that tree.
Steve: Damn, I also have a small one.
Dave: That means, Bruce, Nick and me are going to
Steve: I feel quite uncomfortable with this group
Nicko: And why?
Steve: Because I think that neither you nor Dave
can keep Bruce from roaming around.
Dave: We'll do our best.
Steve: Still, I would feel better if I could come
Bruce: Hey, I don't need a babysitter!
Steve: Oh, you don't?
Bruce: No! By the way, we pulled sticks, so now accept
the fact that you have a small one.
Nicko: Don't worry, Steve, we won't leave Bruce alone
for a minute.
Dave: Yes, and we'll bring back that hat, promised.
See you later,
Janick: I feel a bit bad now. Thinking that we had
to split up because of me.
Adrian: Don't worry. It's quiet nice here in the
shade. Does your ankle still hurt?
Janick: Like hell.
Steve: In half an hour, I'm gonna get them.
Adrian: Be reasonable, Arry, in half an hour they
can't be back yet. The village isn't that close. And stop running
around, you're making me nervous.
Steve: Hm. I hate it, when I don't know what Bruce
is up to.
Janick: There's a girl approaching …
Adrian: Damn! Trouble.
Steve: She looks like a peasant girl. Maybe she just
passes us by.
Marie: Good day, sires. Do you want an apple?
Janick: Yeah, sure, why not. At least there's something
good in this situation. What's your name?
Marie: My name is Marie, sire. Are you hurt?
Janick: Ehm, yes, my ankle is sprained.
Marie: Oh, let me help you. I can make a paste to
put on the ankle. It will heal in a minute.
Janick: Ok, thanks. If it doesn't bother you too
Marie: Not at all, sire.
Adrian: Is it just me, or is she
giving Jan the come-on?
Steve: Hm. I just hope this doesn't mean any trouble.
I wonder what the other three are doing right now?
Dave: Any idea in what time we are, or what hat we
have to find, Bruce?
Bruce: No, not yet. The clothes look older than French
Nicko: There's a pub over there. Let's have a wee
libation and maybe we find something out there.
Dave: Bruce, do you seriously think you can follow
the discussion without a Babel Pill?
Bruce: Yeah sure. I understand you right now, and
you're talking French.
Dave: Right. I forgot that.
Nicko: But how would we explain your accent? You
don't sound like a native speaker, Bruce.
Dave: We could say he's an exchange student.
Bruce: Hehe, might be a good idea. But not from England,
could be too dangerous. Let's say I'm from Austria.
Nicko: Fuck me old boots! Why Austria?
Bruce: Just like that. I like Vienna.
Dave: Can you speak German?
Bruce: Ehm … no … just a few words. But
anyway, the guys in that pub won't know German either. Don't worry.
Nicko: Ok, let's have a drink.
Bruce: Arry would kill us if he knew, hehe.
Marie: There you go. This paste is cooling down the
inflamed ankle. You will feel better soon.
Janick: Thanks a lot, Marie. I already feel better.
Marie: Don't make me blush, sire.
Steve: I want to know what Bruce is doing right now.
I can't bear this.
Adrian: Calm down, he is not alone. Dave and Nicko
will keep an eye on him. Have one of those apples, they're really
good. They taste much more applish than the ones back home.
Steve: You honestly think they will restrain Bruce
if he comes up with a crazy plan?
Adrian: Hm. Probably not, huh? You think we should
Steve: On the other hand, I don't want to leave Jan
alone here …
Janick: I'm fine and in good company, you can go,
if you wish. I'm sure Marie won't hurt me.
Steve: Hm. I won't be long. I'll be back in half
an hour, even if I don't find them.
Adrian: Then I'll come with you. I think Jan will
be safe here.
Dave: Should I get ush another beer? Thish brew ish
Nicko: Yep, and the waitresses are rosy and buxom.
Check out the blonde one over there.
Dave: She's amazing.
Bruce: Guys, I don't think we should drink too much.
Might I remind you that we don't have money?
Nicko: I figured it all out. Davey here pulls some
tricks and we get the booze money by gambling.
Like in Greece, remember?
Bruce: Yeah, that's a splendid idea. Look, guys,
meanwhile I'll have a lookie around town, ok?
Nicko: Arry won't like that.
Bruce: Steve is not here, and if you don't tell him,
he won't know, so. Come on, guys. I promise I'll be back in half an
Dave: Ok, why not. Meanwhile I make sure we can pay
Bruce: I completely trust that you will, Davey. Have
fun you two. See ya.
Janick: My ankle feels already way better. All thanks
to you, Marie. ... You have a wonderful name. It suits you.
Marie: Monsieur, don't say that.
Janick: Do you live nearby?
Marie: Yes, over there in that farm house. But I
was on my way to the village to sell my fruits. Do you want another
one of my apples?
Janick: I'm sorry, Marie, but I won't be able to
pay you. I don't have money with me.
Marie: You don't have to pay me with money, sire.
Janick: How could I pay you then?
Marie: What about a little kiss?
Janick: A kiss? Ehm, … eh … ok, why not.
Guillaume: What do you think you're doing there,
It's not what you think.
Janick: Who's that?
Marie: My brother …
Dave: … sorry, you losht again. Means you have
to pay for the round.
Victor: Well, I'll pay my honour's debts, of course.
You guys are really good at this.
Nicko: If it's for some good beer, we're the best.
Victor: Listen, you seem like two strong guys. And
you're very adventurous, aren't you?
Nicko: We are born for adventure. *hic* Oops, I think
I had one too many.
Victor: No, a real man can take more than that. Have
another one. It's on me.
Dave: Well, then we acshept.
Victor: As I was saying, you look like guys that
stick together. Do everything for your mate, no betraying, etc. That's
very laudable. We need such guys.
Dave: What do you mean?
Victor: Oh, nothing specific. Look, can you just
make your sign on this paper?
Nicko: A fan? Sure, mate, I'll sign first.
Dave: Maybe we should first read …
Nicko: No, I can't read French anyway. The guy is
ok, I can tell. No harm in giving the kid an autograph.
Bruce: Eh, excusez-moi, je suis où?
Man on horse: You are in Neuilly, sir. Are you lost?
Bruce: Oui. Moi, de Autriche.
Man on horse: You are from Austria. Well, what a
coincidence. Are you with our Queen Anne?
Bruce: Queen Anne! Ehm, Reine Anne. Roi Louis?
Man on horse: Yes, Louis XIII and his queen, Anne
of Austria. I am D'Artagnan, the captain of the musketeers.
Janick: Look, I can explain. She was giving me her
Guillaume: WHAT!! My sister is not giving her "apples"
Janick: NO. Not those "apples". Real apples.
I was only paying for them.
Guillaume: With a kiss? Sir, you have soiled our
Janick: I am sorry, I didn't mean any harm.
Guillaume: Take this!
Marie: No, please don't.
Janick: What's this?
Guillaume: It's my glove. Pick it up.
Janick: Ok ok, no need to shout. Why?
Guillaume. You have accepted the duel.
Janick: The WHAT!
Guillaume: Marie, go to the farm and get Claude.
He will be my witness. Sir, I allow you one witness as well, of course.
Adrian: Let's go to that pub. I have a feeling they
might be in there.
Steve: You're right, there they are. … Where
Adrian: Oh no, not again.
Dave: Hey there you are, guysh. Nick and me have
a new friend. *hic* Hish name'sh Victor.
Steve: What are you doing there, Nick?
Nicko: Signing an autograph for our fan here.
Steve: Don't sign this. Have you read it before?
Nicko: No, why? I don't read everything before I
sign a fan's autograph.
Steve: We're somewhere in time, somewhere in France.
Think, Nicko. This is not a fan. Give that to me.
Victor: Too late, mate. Your friend has just enrolled
for two years in the King's Army. We need strong men like him.
Adrian: What? Are you serious?
Steve: Nicko! How could you? And where the fuck is
Dave: Ehm, he just wanted to stroll around a bit.
He wanted to be back in half an hour.
Steve: And how long ago was that?
Dave: Uhm, I forgot the time.
Let's go and find him.
Victor: Yeah, but your friend stays here. I wouldn't
want him to desert the very first day.
Steve: WHAT! My patience is deserting me, and fast.
You give me that paper.
Bruce: Mes amis sont dans bar, là-bas.
D'Artagnan: Are those your friends who are fighting
outside the pub?
Bruce: Ehm, looks like it. I better take that
Babel Pill now. ... Adrian, what are you doing here? And why
is Steve fighting with that guy?
Adrian: There you are, Bruce. Nicko enrolled in the
French army, and now Steve and the other guy are fighting over the
Bruce: Oh, damn. Ehm. Wait. … D'Artagnan! My
friend has gotten into some kind of problem.
D'Artagnan: I see. Let me do this. I
am the Captain of the Royal Musketeers. Stop fighting immediately,
Victor: D'Artagnan! I was only doing my duty. Recruiting
for the king's army.
D'Artagnan: These are strangers. Let them be. Give
me that paper.
Steve: Thanks, man. I appreciate. You see, it was
D'Artagnan: I believe you. Consider your friend a
free man again. This paper is void.
Nicko: Thanks, mate. Is he really
Bruce: Looks like it. Hehe.
Steve: And where have you been again, Bruce?
Bruce: I found out what time we are in, okay? And
I met D'Artagnan.
Marie: Sires, there you are. You have to come back,
Dave: Who's the bird?
Adrian: That's Marie, she helped Jan.
Dave: Why didn't I sprain my ankle?
Steve: What's up? Any trouble?
Marie: My brother is challenging your friend to a
duel. We have to be quick, or he will kill him.
Adrian: Damn. Trouble again.
D'Artagnan: A duel! This is against the law. I'll
accompany you. Lead the way.
Janick: Look, I can explain this. It's all a misunderstanding.
Guillaume: You dishonoured her. That's not a misunderstanding
in my point of view. You will fight and die like a man. Are those
your friends approaching?
Janick: Thank God, there you are.
Steve: So, what's up here? Jan, what did you do?
Guillaume: The rascal was dishonouring my sister.
Jan! You are married!
Janick: Hey, it was only a kiss. No harm in that.
Steve: Only a kiss? Where's the harm in a simple
kiss? On the cheek?
Janick: … ehm … well … she IS French,
you know …
Bruce: Hehehe, I got that pun.
Steve: This is not funny. So, what does the guy want
Guillaume: I have challenged him to a duel. You can
be his witness, if he so chooses. This is Claude, my brother. He will
be my witness.
Janick: I don't know the first thing about fencing.
I'm as good as dead.
D'Artagnan: I understand the brother. Your friend
dishonoured his sister. Although duels are illegal, I am inclined
to turn a blind eye on this.
Bruce: But Jan can't win. Can't you make them stop,
D'Artagnan: Your friend has the right to ask somebody
to fight in his stead … weren't you telling me that you're a
Bruce: Right … I see. Ok, Guillaume. I will
accept the challenge for my friend here. Fight against me, if you
Guillaume: I accept. Take your position.
Steve: Bruce, are you sure you can win?
Bruce: No, but I will die trying. Stupid pun, I know.
But I don't have an épée.
D'Artagnan: Take mine.
Bruce: I'm honoured. Wow. D'Artagnan's épée.
Adrian: You make it sound like it's Excalibur. Aren't
Bruce: No, I'm excited.
Steve: You're crazy.
Janick: Hey, Bruce, I appreciate this.
Bruce: Don't mention it. And now, stand back.
Guillaume: En garde!
Dave: They are both very good. I hope Bruce doesn't
D'Artagnan: Your friend is very skilled. I am amazed.
Adrian: Ouch! Bruce just got a scratch on his arm.
Janick: I feel so bad. This is all my fault.
Steve: Yeah, why on earth did you have to kiss her?
Janick: She asked me to. Are you saying you never
kiss your female fans?
Steve: No. Not the ones that are likely to have brothers
who want to kill me for it.
Guillaume: Parry this! And that!
Bruce: Hehe, fight for the honour, fight for the
Steve: And he can still sing.
Bruce: Fight for your LIFE! And you are without weapon,
my friend! Hehe. Now, how does the point of an épée
feel on your throat?
Nicko: Yay! He has removed the sword from the guy's
hand. Looks like he has won.
Marie: My brother!
Bruce: So, Guillaume. What do you say now?
Guillaume: It was an honourable fight. I miscalculated
your prowess. You deserve to win. Don't spare me.
Adrian: Wow, that guy prefers death to dishonour.
Bruce: I shouldn't spare you, you think? But the
lady here has tears in her eyes. Don't you think you might have misjudged
the situation after all, huh?
Guillaume: Maybe I did.
Bruce: Maybe you did. What have you seen exactly?
Guillaume: Your friend was kissing my sister.
Bruce: On the cheek, surely? An innocent kiss, right?
Guillaume: … Right.
Bruce: Ok, I spare your life. Take your sister and
Marie: Thank you, sire.
Guillaume: Marie, let's go home. Come on.
Dave: You were great, Bruce! Seriously, this duel
has been amazing.
Nicko: And I have it all on tape. The fans will go
crazy next Friday evening.
Janick: You saved my life, mate. Thanks.
Bruce: Hehe, I must say, I was a bit rusty in the
beginning. I should take up training again.
Steve: Well, you won't have time for that during
the next months. We're on tour.
Bruce: Aw, I'll make time for the odd tournament
in-between two gigs.
D'Artagnan: I agree with your friend. Your fencing
skills are exemplary. You are very skilled. I am glad I lent you my
épée. But now my friends, I have to leave you. Or else
I'll be late for a meeting with the queen.
Bruce: Then I better give you back your weapon. Thank
you so much. It was an honour meeting you. Can I ask you a last small
D'Artagnan: What would that be?
Bruce: Do you need your hat? I simply love this Ostrich
feather. Is that a real one? And I always wanted to have a musketeer's
hat. You sure have a spare one at home? Please?
D'Artagnan: You want my hat? That's unusual. But
I feel you are worthy of it. Are you considering taking the cape and
becoming a musketeer?
Bruce: Well …
Steve: I'm sure he IS considering it, but he has
other important engagements that he has to keep. Right, Bruce?
Bruce: Yes. I was just about to say the same thing.
But your hat, that would be something. A keepsake.
D'Artagnan: If I can make you happy with that. Here,
take it. It was an honour meeting you all. You stick up for each other,
when there is trouble. That's the true musketeer spirit.
Bruce: One for all and all for one. Yep. That is
D'Artagnan: Farewell, my friends.
Nicko: One for all and all for one? Wasn't that a
bit cheesy, Bruce?
Bruce: Naw, I just had to say it at least once. Anyway,
D'Artagnan must be used to that slogan by now.
Adrian: Great bloke, your D'Artagnan. Good thing
you still thought about the hat. I completely forgot the mission in
all this excitement.
Bruce: Hehe, but I didn't. I guess the hat of a famous
musketeer like D'Artagnan qualifies as historically important, wouldn't
Steve: Yeah, there we completely agree for once.
Well done, Bruce.
Janick: What an adventure. But I must say, Marie's
paste was really great. I am able to walk again without too much pain.
Steve: I'm glad to hear that. Our first gig is in
just two days. Can't disappoint your Polish fans. Ok, let's get back
to our own times. Enough excitement for today. I nearly lost my drummer
to the French Army and my singer in a duel. That's enough for one
Adrian: I agree. Let's push the buttons.
Dave: How was her kiss, mate?
Bruce: Oh, Davey!