Part 5: Invaders!

Bruce: Wooooaaaah! That was a close shave.
Steve: I have a mind not to tour in France ever again.
Dave: Oh no, I was really looking forward to Eddie rips up Paris ... Besides, you can’t really punish them for their behaviour two hundred years ago.
Steve: You think so? Well, see if I can’t.
Nicko: So, where are we this time?
Janick: It’s raining, so it could be England for all we know.
Bruce: Hehe, right. Ok, this plain wouldn’t tell us much, we need to find civilization somehow.
Adrian: Maybe there is no civilization around.
Steve: Anyway, we just need to find a wolf. Remember the mission: “Get some wolf’s hair.” So we better enter this forest over there and don’t bother about what time we’re in.
Dave: I don’t like that. It could be dangerous.
Adrian: As if it hadn’t been dangerous before.
Dave: Yeah, but wolves are savage animals.
Bruce: Aw, Davey, we are six grown-ups, we should be able to deal with a lone wolf.
Dave: Usually they hunt in packs, though.
Steve: Shhh, be quiet. I can hear people. I don’t understand them, can you give me this Babel Pill?
Bruce: I’d rather listen to their speech first, it might give us a clue where we are. Hmmm, I think it must be some sort of Scandinavian dialect. And judging from their looks …
Steve: … don’t tell me. They’re Vikings!
Bruce: Correct.
Adrian: Great. The good news: we stayed in England. The bad news: we are in the period of the Viking invasions.
Nicko: And they seem to be hunters.
Janick: And I think they have just noticed us.
Dave: Oh-oh. I hope they’re friendly.
Adrian: Would be the first time, though.
Dave: Fuck, I want to go home.
Bruce: I’m afraid you can’t do that just know. We have to talk to these guys. So I’d better pop in that pill now.
Dave: Well, maybe they help us hunt down the wolf. You could ask them, Bruce.
Steve: Don’t fool around, Bruce. They don’t look as if they would understand your jokes.
Viking: Who are you? And what are you doing here?
Bruce: We are travellers and we're looking for today's meal. I heard the wolf-meat is excellent around here. You haven’t seen any wolves around lately?
Steve: Bruce! This IS fooling around. Stop it!
Viking: We will bring you to the wolf, follow us.
Dave: That was easy.
Adrian: Too easy.
Dave: You’re a pessimist.
Adrian: You’re naïve.
Janick: Wow, can you believe it? We’re in an authentic Viking village. I always wanted to be a Viking when I was a kid.
Nicko: Let me film this. Can you handle the wolf on your own, guys? I’m off.
Steve: Nick … Fuck! Remind me that I take the camera next time. I hate it when he just leaves like that.
Janick: Well, someone has to film stuff.
Steve: Yeah, but what if we have to run for our lives again? What if he doesn’t make it to the time machine in time? I don’t want any of us left behind.
Bruce: Aw, Nick can take care of himself. He looks like a Viking almost, so he won’t raise any suspicion.
Janick: I guess that bloke over there is the chief.
Bruce: Ok, showtime: Hello, my name is Bruce. Thank you for your hospitality, chief.
Viking-Leader: Welcome strangers. You look like mighty warriors.
Dave: We do?
Bruce: We are mighty warriors, chief. And so are you, we were told.
Viking-Leader: Yes, my name fills the people with fear in this lone region named Lindisfarne. I am Wulf the Mighty.
Adrian: Oh, no!
Dave: What is it?
Adrian: HE is the wolf. How the fuck will we cut his hair?
Dave: Oh fuck!
Wulf: You can use that hut over there to rest a bit before our feast tonight. Consider yourselves our guests.

Later, inside the hut:

Bruce: Ok, we need a plan. I don’t think this Viking warrior will let us cut his hair without resistance.
Steve: Fuck! Why couldn’t we just deal with a real wolf? Why does it have to be difficult all the time?
Dave: I start to think BBC doesn’t like us.
Steve: Well, I start to think BBC wants to kill us.
Adrian: Bruce, you and your stupid ideas.
Bruce: What? You agreed to it. Anyway, let’s figure out a plan.
Janick: Aren’t Vikings always drunk? Maybe when he falls asleep, we could cut the hair a bit.
Steve: There are so many people around. No, it just wouldn’t work. Damn. Why do you look at me, H?
Adrian: I’m just thinking. This is the first time I see so many people who have much longer hair than you, Arry.
Bruce: Arry’s hair! Of course.
Steve: What’s wrong with my hair?
Bruce: Nothing. A plan is forming in my twisted braincells.
Steve: Does it involve my hair? Then you better forget about it immediately.
Bruce: Kinda. Come on Arry, we all have to make small sacrifices from time to time.
Dave: Can you explain?
Bruce: Yeah, well tonight, during the feast, we could cook up some bullshit story about a warrior-ritual or some such. I can do that part.
Adrian: Yeah, you’re good at cooking up bullshit-stories.
Bruce: Nice try, H, but I won’t take offense. You just let me speak tonight, I promise that we will get that hair without any trouble.

That evening, at the feast:

Nicko: ‘kin good stuff. The Vikings sure know how to party.
Dave: Yeah, and the mead-wine is exshellent.
Steve: Dave! You have drunk enough. You might need a clear head later on.
Dave: Why?
Adrian: In case Bruce’s bullshit-story won’t work.
Bruce: Ok, ‘ere we go: Mighty Wulf, my fellow warriors and I want to thank you for your hospitality. To show our gratitude, we want to exchange a gift with you, as is our tradition.
Wulf: What tradition is that?
Bruce: Weeeell, where we come from, the warriors exchange a lock of their hair to present to their host.
Adrian: Oh, no! Bruce, that sounds sooo gay. This won’t work.
Wulf: I have never heard of such a tradition before.
Bruce: Well, we are from a pretty remote village. Tiny village as well. That’s probably why. See, my hair is all short, because I exchanged many gifts already.
Wulf: Well, we valour our hair mightily, and wouldn’t want to cut it off just like that.
Steve: Believe me, chief, I also valour my hair …
Bruce: Steve. You better play along.
Steve: Ehm … oh, fuck! … well, but I also valour our traditions, so I would cut off that damn lock for you. Bruce, I kill you!
Wulf: You would? Well, I’m honoured by it, believe me. In that case, I will also hand you a lock from my head-pride.
Dave: Head-pride, haha.
Janick: You better shut up, Dave. That’s just a way of speaking.
Bruce: Okey-doke. Here is the knife. Steve and Wulf will exchange locks now. An ebony lock for a golden lock. What a moment in history.
Adrian: Nicko. You better film that. Arry cutting off a lock, never thought I would see that day.
Nicko: Yes, this is some kin good material.
Wulf: Here is my lock, warrior.
Steve: And here is mine. And now, I’m afraid we have to leave you again. Our journey is still long. Good-bye, my friends.
Wulf: Good-bye, mighty warriors. May our paths cross again.
Janick: Small chance for that.
Bruce: You were really brave, MIGHTY warrior Steve. Hehe.
Steve: Bruce. This is the moment to keep a VERY low profile. Just a friendly advice.
Bruce: Are you pissed?
Bruce: Ok, ok, no reason to shout. Anyway, my plan worked, we didn’t have to fight at all.
Adrian: Wait!
Steve: What? Why?
Adrian: Dave is throwing up his last six cups of mead-wine.
Janick: Good thing he throws up BEFORE we get into the time-machine.
Steve: Can we please get back to our own times again? Dave, pull yourself together.
Dave: Sorry. Won’t do it again.
Nicko: Ok, on to the next mission. I’m pushing the red buttons.