Part 16: Hunting and Killing the Game

Steve: … not to mention that this has already been the SECOND FUCKING TIME that I was thrown from great heights into water.
BBC-Manager: I understand that you're upset …
Steve: Upset? You think I'm upset? Think again, mate, I'm fuckin' angry. And you don't want to see me angry, believe me.
BBC-Manager: Look, how were we supposed to know that the situation would get a bit out of hands …
Steve: A BIT out of hands? So far, each and every mission had at least one of the band members fearing for their very lives. You call that a bit out of hands? Do you think that's funny, mate?
BBC-Manager: Mr Harris, what do you want me to say?
Steve: I don't want you to say anything. I want you to fucking think before you send us on a mission, that's what I want. And don't Mr Harris me.
BBC-Manager: Ehm … does that mean, you will go on another mission?
Steve: I'll think about it. But if one more mission turns into disaster, I'll have your balls.
BBC-Manager: Ehh, maybe we should try and handle this on a civilized level.
Steve: I agree. I am civilized. Very civilized, in fact, compared to what I'd rather do to you.
BBC-Manager: Ehhh …
…
Bruce: So … he still alive?
Steve: Sure, he's alive. I just made my point, that's all.
Janick: And you really think the next mission will be less dangerous, just because you talked to the guy?
Steve: Honestly? No. But it felt good to give him a bollocking and see him wince.
…
BBC-Manager (on the phone): Listen, he was furious … oh no, I think he meant it exactly the way he said it … no, apparently they will still be doing the missions. … Let's skip the next one and give them an easier one before that, ok? Just to humour them a bit. … You didn't see his face, man, he looked murderous. And deadly calm too. .... Ok, deal.
…
Bruce: And so here we stand again. Unknown mission, unknown country.
Adrian: Unknown outcome …
Dave: I'm sure this time we will have an easier mission. The guy at BBC probably got Arry's hint.
Steve: Yeah, he's probably making an insurance for his balls right now.
Nicko: Not a stupid thing for a man to insure, if you ask me.
Steve: Won't do him any good, though. If this mission gets fucked up, he better pray that I die on it as well.
Janick: I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing right now …
Steve: Hm. I'm not that easily killed. I survived the Inquisition, what can there possibly be worse?
Adrian: I could name a few things off the top of my head.
Bruce: It's damn cold here. And don't you think it's awfully quiet as well? There's nobody around.
Steve: Nobody around, as in: dinosaur time?
Dave: Oops, not again.
Janick: Let me check the mission: "Bring back a colour."
Adrian: Huh? A colour?
Dave: Which colour? There are many. Red or blue or yellow or …
Bruce: Not too many colours around here. Everything's greyish-green. Looks like Siberia or some such ice-cubish country.
Nicko: How do you bring back a colour anyway?
Bruce: We have to find out first what they mean by "colour". I guess this is again one of the more challenging missions.
Adrian: U-huh. Compared to the less challenging missions we've had so far, you mean?
Bruce: Aw, just a way of speaking. Anyway … any ideas?
Dave: No, we let you do the thinking, as usual.
Bruce: Thanks, Dave. So, I guess we first find out where we are and what they mean by colour.
Steve: Yeah, good idea, let's get moving. But stay together. You hear me, Nick?
Adrian: You always keep reminding us to stay together, and then we always get separated in the course of the action.
Steve: Yeah, I noticed that too. We should definitely work on it.
Nicko: I'm gonna film around a bit. Maybe I find something interesting with the zoom. I'll let you know.
Steve: As long as you stay in the group, you can film as much as you want.
Janick: There is absolutely no-one around here. That's creepy.
Dave: Maybe this time we don't have to deal with people.
Adrian: That makes you happy? You think dealing with animals will be easier?
Bruce: I've never heard of animals using colours. Na-na, we need to find humans, I'm pretty sure of that.
Janick: Looks as if it's going to rain soon.
Steve: Damn, that's all we needed now. I seem to get wet on every mission.
Nicko: First time it's raining on our mission. Nice for a change. I've never filmed historic rain before.
Adrian: You can really see something positive in every fucked-up situation. I'm amazed.
Nicko: Yeah, and I even found us a shelter with my zoom. About a quarter mile in that direction there's an entrance to some sort of a cave.
Dave: Ok, let's head there and wait for the downpour to stop.
…
Adrian: Ok, it's dark, it's cold, it's uncomfortable. I'm unhappy.
Dave: It's dry. I'm happy.
Janick: And there have definitely been people here recently. You can see the remains of a fire.
Nicko: Yes, probably a boyscout meeting or something.
Steve: Who knows …
Adrian: What do you mean? You sound worried.
Steve: I'm just on my guard. "Boyscout meeting" doesn't sound like a mission from BBC.
Adrian: True.
Nicko: Wo-ho! Unchain the colours before my eyes …
Bruce: Argh, you better leave the singing to me, Nick.
Nicko: Fuck me old boots! Does that mean you didn't like my reading of Age of Innocence?
Steve: Well … what is it you found?
Nicko: Over here. Prehistoric cave-paintings. Depicting a hunt I would say.
Bruce: Cool, let me see. Interesting.
Janick: These are fakes.
Dave: How do you know?
Janick: Look at the colours. They are far too clear to be genuine. This looks more like modern graffiti.
Adrian: Maybe the boyscouts painted them.
Bruce: But Jan's right … I've seen cave-paintings before, they always looked pretty washed out. Well, not surprisingly, because they are so old …
Steve: Oh-oh!
Bruce: Oh, fuck.
Adrian: If we assume that these paintings are quite recent …
Janick: … then either they are fakes …
Nicko: … or we're in the time of the caveman.
Dave: Oops, that was the time when dinosaurs walked the Earth.
Bruce: No, it was not. That's only a mistake Arry wrote into one of his songs. If you ever read the threads on our BB, you'd know that.
Dave:
Steve: Hm. But this actually ties in with the colour request from BBC. These paintings are pretty fresh, so maybe we are able to find the colours with which they have been painted.
Janick: Good idea, let's have a look around the cave. Anyone got matches? We could light one of these wooden sticks.
Dave: I've got a Zippo. There you go.
Adrian: Finally we are able to see something. This cave is smaller than I thought.
Bruce: And abandoned, I'd guess.
Steve: Why?
Bruce: Because no tribe would extinguish their fire if it was still in use, right? As far as I know, fire was pretty important back then.
Dave: Yes, I remember that from your song, Arry.
Steve: Hm. Makes sense, Bruce.
Nicko: Did you hear that? Sounds like there are people outside.
Adrian: So much for abandoned, Bruce.
Bruce: I can't know everything, can I? Better pop in some pills.
Janick: I hope they are friendly.
Dave: Do you reckon they might be cannibals?
Nicko: I don't think so, Dave, don't worry.
Steve: Still, we better be on our guards. You think this Babel Pill works with prehistoric languages?
Bruce: Now's the time to find out, hehe.
...
Chief: You should not have let the fire go out. I am very disappointed of you, my son.
Boy: There was not enough wood, so I went to fetch some and when I came back, the fire was out.
Chief: Who are these people? You let strangers enter the cave?
Bruce: We come in peace, friend. We were just seeking shelter from the rain.
Chief: You have fire …
Bruce: Yes, we can give you the flame, to show our good intentions.
Chief: That is indeed generous. Where is your tribe?
Bruce: Ehm, our tribe is far away … we are the only ones that survived the great catastrophe.
Steve: What are you talking about?
Bruce: Let me handle this, will you?
Chief: Welcome then, strangers. Nature is cruel indeed these days. I nearly lost my entire tribe in a great blizzard some moons ago. You can stay until the weather clears up.
Nicko: Thankee, mighty chief.
Chief: So, no women survived from your tribe? That's a big loss. There is also a shortage of women in my tribe.
Adrian: Is he afraid that we would rape their women?
Steve: Better not mention such a thing.
Chief: Come with me and I'll introduce you to the rest of my tribe.
Dave: Why are you looking at me, boy?
Boy: You look nice. Can I show you my paintings?
Dave: Sure. So you painted these scenes on the wall? You are quite an artist.
Steve: Dave? Are you coming?
Dave: I'll have a chat with the lad. I meet up with you later.
…
Chief: Meet Brunt, Gor and Bear, our three hunters. This is our shaman and here are the three women with the kids.
Shaman: Who are these men, chief? They mean trouble. I can read it in their eyes.
Steve: Fuck. A paranoid again.
Chief: They brought us the fire, so they are welcome.
Shaman: The boy shouldn't have let the fire go out in the first place. I read it in his eyes that he might.
Chief: Then it would have been your job to warn us, shaman.
Gor: Welcome, guys. Strong men like you come in handy right now.
Janick: Why?
Gor: We are going on a mammoth hunt this afternoon, so we are always happy to have some experienced hunters to help us.
Adrian: How did he get the impression that we are experienced mammoth hunters?
Steve: I don't know. Only thing I know is that this mission is turning into a disaster again.
Bruce: But they welcomed us. Come on, we have to return the favour and help them now.
Shaman: Why are you whispering? Are you planning treason?
Nicko: Not at all, shaman, we are peaceful mammoth hunters. Watch out for that guy, he gives me the creeps.
Steve: Yeah, he reminds me of Tut. Ok, chief, we will help you on your mammoth hunt. Just tell us what to do.
Gor: Who's the spear thrower among you? I guess the bearded one is the chaser?
Adrian: Uh? Does he mean me?
Bruce: You're the only one with a beard, aren't you? Correct, ehm, Gor, was it? Beardy is our chaser. He's great at it, too.
Adrian: What the fuck is a chaser?
Bruce: No idea, but you'll soon find out.
Brunt: Then you better come with me, I'm a chaser too. I'll show you a few tricks.
Adrian: Don't let me alone with him!
Janick: I'm a chaser as well, I'll join you guys.
Adrian: Thanks, Jan. You're a mate.
…
Boy: … and over here, I painted a mammoth hunt.
Dave: That's great. I wish I was able to paint like you.
Boy: Thanks. Most of the others think I'm wasting my time here.
Dave: No, creativity is never a waste of time.
Boy: Yes, but they say I am not a man …
Dave: Well, you are still young. What do they expect?
Boy: They expect me to join the hunters. This mammoth hunt was my first hunting experience. It was scary.
Dave: I can imagine that. I wouldn't want to be on a hunt either.
Boy: Well, you are missing one right now. Your mates have probably joined our hunters, though.
Dave: What?! They are going on a mammoth hunt right now?
Boy: Yes, but you can stay with me and help me mix my colours.
Dave: Colours? Actually, that's a good idea. Show me how you make your colours.
…
Gor: So the long-haired guy is the spear-thrower?
Steve: Ehm, no, I'm no good with a spear, I'm afraid.
Bruce: No, Curly is only able to shoot with a bass. But I'm a spear-thrower. Can't be more difficult than fencing. And Broken Nose here is pretty good at throwing stuff as well.
Nicko: I'll give you Broken Nose, Brucey boy. But yes, throwing me drumsticks is fun, so I guess I am also a good spear-thrower.
Bruce: Exactly my thinking.
Gor: Ok, Broken Nose and …
Steve: His name's Blabbermouth.
Bruce: Hey!
Steve: Thanks for Curly, Bruce.
Gor: Broken Nose and Blabbermouth are coming with me.
Steve: What will I be doing?
Bear: Are you strong?
Steve: Ehm, yeah, I would think so. Why?
Bear: You can help me and Chief build the trap then.
Steve: Ok, I can do that.
…
Brunt: The Chief and Bear are building a trap. Our job is to chase the animal in that direction.
Janick: How do we do that?
Brunt: We have to be as swift as the wind. And we have to be careful, cause we will have to get very close sometimes.
Adrian: Oh, no. We got assigned the most dangerous job again. I hate Bruce.
Brunt: We yell, we clap, and basically do everything to chase the mammoth in the right direction. I'm glad you help me, that way, Gor can concentrate on the attack.
Janick: And what does he have to do?
…
Bruce: So, what do we have to do?
Gor: Take this spear. Does it feel good in your hand?
Nicko: It feels pretty heavy, but it looks efficient. Can I try to throw it?
Gor: Yes, go ahead. Try to hit the tree.
Nicko: There you go. Wo-ho, fuck my old boots, did you see that? Bull's Eye!
Bruce: You're a natural talent.
Nicko: No, I'm a dart-player, hehe.
Bruce: Ok, now I try. ... Damn, just missed.
Gor: But your throw was very forceful. That's good. You will be able to kill the animal with one of these thrusts.
Bruce: Yeah, well, but if I miss the target, that's no use.
Gor: By then the target won't be moving anymore …
Nicko: Why not?
…
Bear: As soon as the trap is set, we are waiting for the chasers.
Steve: So the chasers have to chase the mammoth into our trap?
Chief: Exactly. Then, when the animal is trapped, the spear throwers kill it.
Steve: Sounds easy enough.
Bear: It's not easy, though. Mammoths are unpredictable and fierce. We already lost two chasers who came too close …
Steve: Damn, I hope H and Jan are careful. But the spear-throwers have an easy job.
Bear: Not exactly. They have to try and wound the animal, if it charges one of our men. So they also have to get pretty close sometimes.
Steve: Fuck. Are you saying, we have the only safe part in this whole hunt?
Chief: Nothing is ever safe. We have to stay close to the trap to prevent any other animals from falling into it, and thus make it unusable for our hunt.
Steve: Other animals?
Bear: Get ready to kill some wolves and hyenas, my friend.
Steve: Oh, shit. At least, Dave is still safe in the cave. Why the fuck am I rhyming?
...
Dave: This colour is pretty neat. Maybe you can put a bit more red into it.
Boy: Yes, I like the red colour too. It adds some brightness to the scenes.
Shaman: So here you are, lazybones. Shouldn't you join the hunt, like real men?
Dave: Who is this?
Boy: This is our shaman. He hates me. And he gives me the creeps.
Shaman: I want you to know: I don't trust you strangers. I don't know why you suddenly appeared out of nowhere …
Dave: We hardly came out of nowhere. And we are really harmless.
Shaman: I'll have an eye on you. One wrong step and I will make sure you get back into nowhere. ...
Dave: Umph. He seems a bit hostile, doesn't he?
Boy: Ah, don't mind him for now. Wanna see how I mix the colour of the lake?
…
Chief: We did a good job with this trap. Thanks to you, Curly, we finished the job in half the usual time.
Steve: It was my pleasure. Interesting new things I learnt while helping you. And can you please stop calling me Curly? My name is Arry.
Chief: Airy? That's an unusual name. Are you a shaman?
Steve: No. It's because of my long 'air.
Bear: Oh - Hairy. That fits.
Chief: Ok, all we have to do is wait for the arrival of the chasers with the prey.
…
Brunt: I found a herd of mammoth. Let's get started. Yan, you take the right flank, I'm moving over to the left. Beardy, you can take the rear.
Adrian: That's probably the easiest position.
Brunt: If the mammoth tries to escape, you have to push it forward again …
Adrian: Oh, damn. No luck.
Janick: So, we are just chasing one animal, right? What about the rest of the herd?
Brunt: They will scatter pretty quickly. We concentrate on one animal. I'll point it out to you.
…
Dave: Hoo-oops, what happened?
Boy: The earth shook. This happens sometimes. It's nothing to worry about. The Earth-worm turns in its sleep, but it hardly ever wakes.
Dave: Are you sure? ... Do you hear that rumbling? Sounds like stones falling. Maybe we better get out in the open.
Boy: Yes, you may be right. It's so dark in here all of a sudden.
Dave: Oh, damn. Where is the entrance?
Boy: The stones are blocking it!
Dave: Are you saying we are trapped?
…
Bruce: Did you feel that? Minor earthquake, I'd say.
Gor: Yes, we have some troubles with the Earth-worm moving from time to time. But so far, it hasn't awoken yet. Still - the mammoths will be on edge now. We better watch out.
Nicko: I am ready to throw some spears. Looking forward to a 'kin hunt. Hehe.
Bruce: Are you filming this, Nicko?
Nicko: Of course, camera is filming under my jacket as we speak. This is too good to be missed.
…
Brunt: Ok, here is the herd. They are a bit nervous because of the earth rumbling.
Adrian: I am also a bit nervous because of that.
Janick: I'll take my position on the right flank. Wish me luck.
Adrian: Yeah, good luck, mate.
Janick: WOHOHOHO, HEY, HEY! SCATTER, HOP HOP!!!
Brunt: YUKKY YUKKY YUKKY YUK! EEEPP EEEPP!
Adrian: What am I doing here? Why do I always have to get into such situations? Why can't they just go fishing like everyone else?
…
Dave: Don't worry, boy, the shaman knows we're are trapped inside. They will probably come up with a plan to get us out of here.
Boy: Maybe they think we died.
Dave: Nobody gives up trying without proof that we are dead. They will come and get us. Luckily we still have breathing air.
Boy: But for how long?
…
Steve: Ehm, guys, there is a wolf sniffing the ground pretty close to the trap. What do we do?
Bear: Let me handle this. We have to chase him away.
Steve: Why don't we just kill him with a spear?
Chief: The blood scent will attract other scavengers. The last thing we need is a pack of hungry wolves disturbing our trap.
Steve: Right. So we just chase it away?
Bear: That's the plan. I hope the mammoth won't arrive just now.
…
Brunt: YEK YEK YEK.
Janick: HUUUUAAAAAHHH. OVER THERE. GO! GO!
Brunt: Watch out. The animal is bolting back. Beardy, get in position!
Adrian: WHAT! Oh, fuck, how on earth am I to stop this stampeding ton of meat?
Gor: We just arrived in time. See, your bearded friend is in trouble. We have to hit the mammoth, so that it stops stampeding towards him.
Bruce: Fuck, if we miss, H is done for. Nicko, you think you can hit it? Without hitting Adrian in the process, I mean.
Nicko: It's pretty far away, but I'll give it my best shot. Here we go …
Gor: Good shot! You hit it. It changed direction.
Adrian: Pewh! What was that?
Janick: Nicko shot a spear to hurt the animal.
Brunt: Get moving, or we lose the target. YUK YUKY YUK!
…
Dave: You know what? We better extinguish the fire. So that it won't suck up all the remaining good air.
Boy: But then we will be in utter darkness.
Dave: You need not have fear of the dark. I am staying with you. And they will find us. I promise.
Boy: I am glad that I am not alone in here. Thanks.
Dave: Don't mention it.
…
Chief: There they are. A fine young mammoth they have selected as target.
Steve: So what do we do now?
Chief: Nothing much we can do. We have to wait and let the hunters do their job.
Janick: YEP YEP YEP!!! And into the trap with you.
Gor: It's sunken in. Do you want to have the honour of the fatal shot?
Bruce: Ehm, come to think of it, I better leave that honour to you. I'm not sure I want to kill that animal.
Gor: Its meat will help us through the next winter.
Steve: Great to see you guys back. And all in one piece.
Adrian: Didn't I predict that we would get separated again?
Nicko: Yes, you seem to have the second sight. But the hunt was pretty exciting.
Adrian: Hm. Enough excitement to last for a lifetime. I rather go fishing. Your shot saved my life. Thanks, Nick.
Nicko: You're welcome, buddy.
Chief: We will carve the animal into pieces right here. Everybody will help bringing the meat back to the cave. And let's do it quickly, before the scavengers sniff us out.
Bruce: And to think that Davey's sitting in his cozy cave right now, painting some flowers.
...
Boy: I have trouble breathing. You think they already started to clear the entrance?
Dave: I'm sure of it, don't worry. Let's climb up on those rocks. The air is always going upwards I think.
Boy: Maybe we can push the stones from the inside?
Dave: We can try.
...
Shaman: The hunters have arrived with good prey. Didn't I predict a good hunt? The ghosts look favourable on those who are brave.
Chief: Yes, we were all very brave today. Where is my boy and the stranger?
Shaman: They got what they deserved.
Steve: What do you mean?
Shaman: The earth-worm turned and punished them for being idle.
Bruce: Wait a minute. What is all this about?
Chief: Speak up, shaman. What happened?
Adrian: Oh, damn … the entrance to the cave is blocked by stones.
Shaman: The earth-worm swallowed them up.
Bruce: Does that mean, Davey and the boy are still in there? Why didn't you try to get the boulders out of the way?
Shaman: It is nature's revenge. You cannot fight nature's will.
Steve: Nature's will, my ass. Come on, guys, we have to get Dave and the kid out. I hope it's not too late.
…
Dave: I think I can hear a commotion outside.
Boy: You are just saying this to lift my spirits.
Dave: No, I think the hunters have arrived. They will help us. Arry would never let us down.
Boy: Well, if the shaman convinces them that we are not worthy to be saved …
Dave: Believe me, nobody is able to convince my bandmates that we are not worthy.
…
Janick: Over here! There is a small opening. We have to get some more stones loose.
Nicko: Ok, take my spear. Maybe you can pry them loose with it.
Steve: Yes, this might work. Meanwhile, I'll clear the smaller stones out of the way.
Bruce: They need an opening, or they will suffocate in there. Let's get moving, guys.
Chief: How long have they been trapped in the cave?
Shaman: For a long time. Their spirits have been swallowed up. To enter the cave now would be foolish and useless.
Adrian: Stop saying this, or I get angry. If you can't do anything productive to help, get out of the way.
Shaman: Mind how you are talking to me. I might put a curse on you.
Adrian: Do whatever you wish, but do it elsewhere. I have to get my mate out.
Chief: Shaman, let these men work. They are mighty hunters. Gor, Bear and Brunt, let's help them to thank them for their day's work.
…
Boy: You are right. I can definitely hear them now.
Dave: Yes, and there's light shining in, high up there.
Boy: Maybe I should climb up and tell them that we are still alive?
Dave: Good idea, but be careful.
Bruce: Hey, anybody in there? Scream for me, Davey!
Boy: We are here!
Bruce: Hehe. Guys, they're alive. I just heard the kid.
Steve: Great. Get these stones away from the entrance.
Bruce: Wait, the kid can already fit through the small opening. There you go, boy. Hop out. ... Hey, Davey, how's life?
Dave: Luckily I don't have fear of the dark. But it's good to hear your voice, Bruce.
Bruce: Hehe. We get you out, don't worry.
Dave: I never worried.
…
Chief: This was an eventful day. We will celebrate a successful hunt and the rescue of two of our tribesmen.
Adrian: It's good to have you back, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, the air got pretty thin towards the end. You came just in the nick of time. So, how was the hunt?
Adrian: Exciting. But not as exciting as your rescue, mate.
Chief: You are mighty hunters. Why don't you join my tribe?
Bruce: No, I'm afraid, we'll have to roam in search for landscapes.
Steve: Yes, Blabbermouth is right. Thanks for the offer though. We appreciate.
Boy: You will leave us again after the feast, right, Dave?
Dave: Ehm, yes, I'm afraid we have to. We still have far to travel.
Boy: I'm sad. It was good talking to you.
Dave: Would you mind giving me a bit of your favourite red colour to take with me?
Boy: You want some of my colour? You can carry it in this small vessel. I'm glad you like it.
Bruce: Ok, I guess, it's "mission accomplished" then. Nice to meet you all and fare well.
Chief: Good luck on your further travel, friends.
…
Janick: Back in the good old TM. What a day!
Steve: Yeah, I feel every muscle aching right now. I have the utmost respect for these cave people. They lived in a hostile environment.
Bruce: Talking about hostile environment. Let's go back to BBC.
Steve: Ts. Always the last pun, eh, Bruce?
Bruce: Yep. Push the red buttons! Thus speaketh Blabbermouth. Hehe!