16: Hunting and Killing the Game
… not to mention that this has already been the SECOND FUCKING
TIME that I was thrown from great heights into water.
BBC-Manager: I understand that you're upset …
Steve: Upset? You think I'm upset? Think again, mate,
I'm fuckin' angry. And you don't want to see me angry, believe me.
BBC-Manager: Look, how were we supposed to know that
the situation would get a bit out of hands …
Steve: A BIT out of hands? So far, each and every
mission had at least one of the band members fearing for their very
lives. You call that a bit out of hands? Do you think that's funny,
BBC-Manager: Mr Harris, what do you want me to say?
Steve: I don't want you to say anything. I want you
to fucking think before you send us on a mission, that's what I want.
And don't Mr Harris me.
BBC-Manager: Ehm … does that mean, you will
go on another mission?
Steve: I'll think about it. But if one more mission
turns into disaster, I'll have your balls.
BBC-Manager: Ehh, maybe we should try and handle
this on a civilized level.
Steve: I agree. I am civilized. Very civilized, in
fact, compared to what I'd rather do to you.
BBC-Manager: Ehhh …
Bruce: So … he still alive?
Steve: Sure, he's alive. I just made my point, that's
Janick: And you really think the next mission will
be less dangerous, just because you talked to the guy?
Steve: Honestly? No. But it felt good to give him
a bollocking and see him wince.
BBC-Manager (on the phone): Listen, he was furious
… oh no, I think he meant it exactly the way he said it …
no, apparently they will still be doing the missions. … Let's
skip the next one and give them an easier one before that, ok? Just
to humour them a bit. … You didn't see his face, man, he looked
murderous. And deadly calm too. .... Ok, deal.
Bruce: And so here we stand again. Unknown mission,
Adrian: Unknown outcome …
Dave: I'm sure this time we will have an easier mission.
The guy at
BBC probably got Arry's hint.
Steve: Yeah, he's probably making an insurance for
his balls right now.
Nicko: Not a stupid thing for a man to insure, if
you ask me.
Steve: Won't do him any good, though. If this mission
gets fucked up, he better pray that I die on it as well.
Janick: I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing right
Steve: Hm. I'm not that easily killed. I survived
the Inquisition, what can there possibly be worse?
Adrian: I could name a few things off the top of
Bruce: It's damn cold here. And don't you think it's
awfully quiet as well? There's nobody around.
Steve: Nobody around, as in: dinosaur time?
Dave: Oops, not again.
Janick: Let me check the mission: "Bring back
Adrian: Huh? A colour?
Dave: Which colour? There are many. Red or blue or
yellow or …
Bruce: Not too many colours around here. Everything's
greyish-green. Looks like Siberia or some such ice-cubish country.
Nicko: How do you bring back a colour anyway?
Bruce: We have to find out first what they mean by
"colour". I guess this is again one of the more challenging
Adrian: U-huh. Compared to the less challenging missions
we've had so far, you mean?
Bruce: Aw, just a way of speaking. Anyway …
Dave: No, we let you do the thinking, as usual.
Bruce: Thanks, Dave. So, I guess we first find out
where we are and what they mean by colour.
Steve: Yeah, good idea, let's get moving. But stay
together. You hear me, Nick?
Adrian: You always keep reminding us to stay together,
and then we always get separated in the course of the action.
Steve: Yeah, I noticed that too. We should definitely
work on it.
Nicko: I'm gonna film around a bit. Maybe I find
something interesting with the zoom. I'll let you know.
Steve: As long as you stay in the group, you can
film as much as you want.
Janick: There is absolutely no-one around here. That's
Dave: Maybe this time we don't have to deal with
Adrian: That makes you happy? You think dealing with
animals will be easier?
Bruce: I've never heard of animals using colours.
Na-na, we need to find humans, I'm pretty sure of that.
Janick: Looks as if it's going to rain soon.
Steve: Damn, that's all we needed now. I seem to
get wet on every mission.
Nicko: First time it's raining on our mission. Nice
for a change. I've never filmed historic rain before.
Adrian: You can really see something positive in
every fucked-up situation. I'm amazed.
Nicko: Yeah, and I even found us a shelter with my
zoom. About a quarter mile in that direction there's an entrance to
some sort of a cave.
Dave: Ok, let's head there and wait for the downpour
Adrian: Ok, it's dark, it's cold, it's uncomfortable.
Dave: It's dry. I'm happy.
Janick: And there have definitely been people here
recently. You can see the remains of a fire.
Nicko: Yes, probably a boyscout meeting or something.
Steve: Who knows …
Adrian: What do you mean? You sound worried.
Steve: I'm just on my guard. "Boyscout meeting"
doesn't sound like a mission from BBC.
Nicko: Wo-ho! Unchain the colours before my eyes
Bruce: Argh, you better leave the singing to me,
Nicko: Fuck me old boots! Does that mean you didn't
like my reading of Age of Innocence?
Steve: Well … what is it you found?
Nicko: Over here. Prehistoric cave-paintings. Depicting
a hunt I would say.
Bruce: Cool, let me see. Interesting.
Janick: These are fakes.
Dave: How do you know?
Janick: Look at the colours. They are far too clear
to be genuine. This looks more like modern graffiti.
Adrian: Maybe the boyscouts painted them.
Bruce: But Jan's right … I've seen cave-paintings
before, they always looked pretty washed out. Well, not surprisingly,
because they are so old …
Bruce: Oh, fuck.
Adrian: If we assume that these paintings are quite
Janick: … then either they are fakes …
Nicko: … or we're in the time of the caveman.
Dave: Oops, that was the time when dinosaurs walked
Bruce: No, it was not. That's only a mistake Arry
wrote into one of his songs. If you ever read the threads on our BB,
you'd know that.
Steve: Hm. But this actually ties in with the colour
request from BBC. These paintings are pretty fresh, so maybe we are
able to find the colours with which they have been painted.
Janick: Good idea, let's have a look around the cave.
Anyone got matches? We could light one of these wooden sticks.
Dave: I've got a Zippo. There you go.
Adrian: Finally we are able to see something. This
cave is smaller than I thought.
Bruce: And abandoned, I'd guess.
Bruce: Because no tribe would extinguish their fire
if it was still in use, right? As far as I know, fire was pretty important
Dave: Yes, I remember that from your song, Arry.
Steve: Hm. Makes sense, Bruce.
Nicko: Did you hear that? Sounds like there are people
Adrian: So much for abandoned, Bruce.
Bruce: I can't know everything, can I? Better pop
in some pills.
Janick: I hope they are friendly.
Dave: Do you reckon they might be cannibals?
Nicko: I don't think so, Dave, don't worry.
Steve: Still, we better be on our guards. You think
this Babel Pill works with prehistoric languages?
Bruce: Now's the time to find out, hehe.
Chief: You should not have let the fire go out. I
am very disappointed of you, my son.
Boy: There was not enough wood, so I went to fetch
some and when I came back, the fire was out.
Chief: Who are these people? You let strangers enter
Bruce: We come in peace, friend. We were just seeking
shelter from the rain.
Chief: You have fire …
Bruce: Yes, we can give you the flame, to show our
Chief: That is indeed generous. Where is your tribe?
Bruce: Ehm, our tribe is far away … we are
the only ones that survived the great catastrophe.
Steve: What are you talking about?
Bruce: Let me handle this, will you?
Chief: Welcome then, strangers. Nature is cruel indeed
these days. I nearly lost my entire tribe in a great blizzard some
moons ago. You can stay until the weather clears up.
Nicko: Thankee, mighty chief.
Chief: So, no women survived from your tribe? That's
a big loss. There is also a shortage of women in my tribe.
Adrian: Is he afraid that we would
rape their women?
Steve: Better not mention such a
Chief: Come with me and I'll introduce you to the
rest of my tribe.
Dave: Why are you looking at me, boy?
Boy: You look nice. Can I show you my paintings?
Dave: Sure. So you painted these scenes on the wall?
You are quite an artist.
Steve: Dave? Are you coming?
Dave: I'll have a chat with the lad. I meet up with
Chief: Meet Brunt, Gor and Bear, our three hunters.
This is our shaman and here are the three women with the kids.
Shaman: Who are these men, chief? They mean trouble.
I can read it in their eyes.
Steve: Fuck. A paranoid again.
Chief: They brought us the fire, so they are welcome.
Shaman: The boy shouldn't have let the fire go out
in the first place. I read it in his eyes that he might.
Chief: Then it would have been your job to warn us,
Gor: Welcome, guys. Strong men like you come in handy
Gor: We are going on a mammoth hunt this afternoon,
so we are always happy to have some experienced hunters to help us.
Adrian: How did he get the impression
that we are experienced mammoth hunters?
Steve: I don't know. Only thing I
know is that this mission is turning into a disaster again.
Bruce: But they welcomed us. Come
on, we have to return the favour and help them now.
Shaman: Why are you whispering? Are you planning
Nicko: Not at all, shaman, we are peaceful mammoth
hunters. Watch out for that guy, he gives me the creeps.
Steve: Yeah, he reminds me of Tut.
Ok, chief, we will help you on your mammoth hunt. Just tell us what
Gor: Who's the spear thrower among you? I guess the
bearded one is the chaser?
Adrian: Uh? Does he mean me?
Bruce: You're the only one with a beard, aren't you?
Correct, ehm, Gor, was it? Beardy is our chaser. He's great at it,
Adrian: What the fuck is a chaser?
Bruce: No idea, but you'll soon find
Brunt: Then you better come with me, I'm a chaser
too. I'll show you a few tricks.
Adrian: Don't let me alone with him!
Janick: I'm a chaser as well, I'll join you guys.
Adrian: Thanks, Jan. You're a mate.
Boy: … and over here, I painted a mammoth hunt.
Dave: That's great.
I wish I was able to paint like you.
Boy: Thanks. Most of the others think I'm wasting
my time here.
Dave: No, creativity is never a waste of time.
Boy: Yes, but they say I am not a man …
Dave: Well, you are still young. What do they expect?
Boy: They expect me to join the hunters. This mammoth
hunt was my first hunting experience. It was scary.
Dave: I can imagine that. I wouldn't want to be on
a hunt either.
Boy: Well, you are missing one right now. Your mates
have probably joined our hunters, though.
Dave: What?! They are going on a mammoth hunt right
Boy: Yes, but you can stay with me and help me mix
Dave: Colours? Actually, that's a good idea.
Show me how you make your colours.
Gor: So the long-haired guy is the spear-thrower?
Steve: Ehm, no, I'm no good with a spear, I'm afraid.
Bruce: No, Curly is only able to shoot with a bass.
But I'm a spear-thrower. Can't be more difficult than
fencing. And Broken Nose here is pretty good at throwing stuff
Nicko: I'll give you Broken Nose, Brucey boy. But
yes, throwing me drumsticks is fun, so I guess I am also a good spear-thrower.
Bruce: Exactly my thinking.
Gor: Ok, Broken Nose and …
Steve: His name's Blabbermouth.
Steve: Thanks for Curly, Bruce.
Gor: Broken Nose and Blabbermouth are coming with
Steve: What will I be doing?
Bear: Are you strong?
Steve: Ehm, yeah, I would think so. Why?
Bear: You can help me and Chief build the trap then.
Steve: Ok, I can do that.
Brunt: The Chief and Bear are building a trap. Our
job is to chase the animal in that direction.
Janick: How do we do that?
Brunt: We have to be as swift as the wind. And we
have to be careful, cause we will have to get very close sometimes.
Adrian: Oh, no. We got assigned the most dangerous
job again. I hate Bruce.
Brunt: We yell, we clap, and basically do everything
to chase the mammoth in the right direction. I'm glad you help me,
that way, Gor can concentrate on the attack.
Janick: And what does he have to do?
Bruce: So, what do we have to do?
Gor: Take this spear. Does it feel good in your hand?
Nicko: It feels pretty heavy, but it looks efficient.
Can I try to throw it?
Gor: Yes, go ahead. Try to hit the tree.
Nicko: There you go. Wo-ho, fuck my old boots, did
you see that? Bull's Eye!
Bruce: You're a natural talent.
Nicko: No, I'm a dart-player, hehe.
Bruce: Ok, now I try. ... Damn, just missed.
Gor: But your throw was very forceful. That's good.
You will be able to kill the animal with one of these thrusts.
Bruce: Yeah, well, but if I miss the target, that's
Gor: By then the target won't be moving anymore …
Nicko: Why not?
Bear: As soon as the trap is set, we are waiting
for the chasers.
Steve: So the chasers have to chase the mammoth into
Chief: Exactly. Then, when the animal is trapped,
the spear throwers kill it.
Steve: Sounds easy enough.
Bear: It's not easy, though. Mammoths are unpredictable
and fierce. We already lost two chasers who came too close …
Steve: Damn, I hope H and Jan are careful. But the
spear-throwers have an easy job.
Bear: Not exactly. They have to try and wound the
animal, if it charges one of our men. So they also have to get pretty
Steve: Fuck. Are you saying, we have the only safe
part in this whole hunt?
Chief: Nothing is ever safe. We have to stay close
to the trap to prevent any other animals from falling into it, and
thus make it unusable for our hunt.
Steve: Other animals?
Bear: Get ready to kill some wolves and hyenas, my
Steve: Oh, shit. At least, Dave is still safe in
the cave. Why the fuck am I rhyming?
Dave: This colour is pretty neat. Maybe you can put
a bit more red into it.
Boy: Yes, I like the red colour too. It adds some
brightness to the scenes.
Shaman: So here you are, lazybones. Shouldn't you
join the hunt, like real men?
Dave: Who is this?
Boy: This is our shaman. He hates
me. And he gives me the creeps.
Shaman: I want you to know: I don't trust you strangers.
I don't know why you suddenly appeared out of nowhere …
Dave: We hardly came out of nowhere. And we are really
Shaman: I'll have an eye on you. One wrong step and
I will make sure you get back into nowhere. ...
Dave: Umph. He seems a bit hostile, doesn't he?
Boy: Ah, don't mind him for now. Wanna see how I
mix the colour of the lake?
Chief: We did a good job with this trap. Thanks to
you, Curly, we finished the job in half the usual time.
Steve: It was my pleasure. Interesting new things
I learnt while helping you. And can you please stop calling me Curly?
My name is Arry.
Chief: Airy? That's an unusual name. Are you a shaman?
Steve: No. It's because of my long 'air.
Bear: Oh - Hairy. That fits.
Chief: Ok, all we have to do is wait for the arrival
of the chasers with the prey.
Brunt: I found a herd of mammoth. Let's get started.
Yan, you take the right flank, I'm moving over to the left. Beardy,
you can take the rear.
Adrian: That's probably the easiest position.
Brunt: If the mammoth tries to escape, you have to
push it forward again …
Adrian: Oh, damn. No luck.
Janick: So, we are just chasing one animal, right?
What about the rest of the herd?
Brunt: They will scatter pretty quickly. We concentrate
on one animal. I'll point it out to you.
Dave: Hoo-oops, what happened?
Boy: The earth shook. This happens sometimes. It's
nothing to worry about. The Earth-worm turns in its sleep, but it
hardly ever wakes.
Are you sure? ... Do you hear that rumbling? Sounds like stones falling.
Maybe we better get out in the open.
Boy: Yes, you may be right. It's so dark in here
all of a sudden.
Dave: Oh, damn. Where is the entrance?
Boy: The stones are blocking it!
Dave: Are you saying we are trapped?
Bruce: Did you feel that? Minor earthquake, I'd say.
Gor: Yes, we have some troubles with the Earth-worm
moving from time to time. But so far, it hasn't awoken yet. Still
- the mammoths will be on edge now. We better watch out.
Nicko: I am ready to throw some spears. Looking forward
to a 'kin hunt. Hehe.
Bruce: Are you filming this, Nicko?
Nicko: Of course, camera is filming
under my jacket as we speak. This is too good to be missed.
Brunt: Ok, here is the herd. They are a bit nervous
because of the earth rumbling.
Adrian: I am also a bit nervous because of that.
Janick: I'll take my position on the right flank.
Wish me luck.
Adrian: Yeah, good luck, mate.
Janick: WOHOHOHO, HEY, HEY! SCATTER, HOP HOP!!!
Brunt: YUKKY YUKKY YUKKY YUK! EEEPP EEEPP!
Adrian: What am I doing here? Why do I always have
to get into such situations? Why can't they just go fishing like everyone
Dave: Don't worry, boy, the shaman knows we're are
trapped inside. They will probably come up with a plan to get us out
Boy: Maybe they think we died.
Dave: Nobody gives up trying without proof that we
are dead. They will come and get us.
Luckily we still have breathing air.
Boy: But for how long?
Steve: Ehm, guys, there is a wolf sniffing the ground
pretty close to the trap. What do we do?
Bear: Let me handle this. We have to chase him away.
Steve: Why don't we just kill him with a spear?
Chief: The blood scent will attract other scavengers.
The last thing we need is a pack of hungry wolves disturbing our trap.
Steve: Right. So we just chase it away?
Bear: That's the plan. I hope the mammoth won't arrive
Brunt: YEK YEK YEK.
Janick: HUUUUAAAAAHHH. OVER THERE. GO! GO!
Brunt: Watch out. The animal is bolting back. Beardy,
get in position!
Oh, fuck, how on earth am I to stop this stampeding ton of meat?
Gor: We just arrived in time. See, your bearded friend
is in trouble. We have to hit the mammoth, so that it stops stampeding
Bruce: Fuck, if we miss, H is done for. Nicko, you
think you can hit it? Without hitting Adrian in the process, I mean.
Nicko: It's pretty far away, but I'll give it my
best shot. Here we go …
Gor: Good shot! You hit it. It changed direction.
Adrian: Pewh! What was that?
Janick: Nicko shot a spear to hurt the animal.
Brunt: Get moving, or we lose the target. YUK YUKY
Dave: You know what? We better extinguish the fire.
So that it won't suck up all the remaining good air.
Boy: But then we will be in utter darkness.
Dave: You need not have fear of the dark.
I am staying with you. And they will find us. I promise.
Boy: I am glad that I am not alone in here. Thanks.
Dave: Don't mention it.
Chief: There they are. A fine young mammoth they
have selected as target.
Steve: So what do we do now?
Chief: Nothing much we can do. We have to wait and
let the hunters do their job.
Janick: YEP YEP YEP!!! And into the trap with you.
Gor: It's sunken in. Do you want to have the honour
of the fatal shot?
Bruce: Ehm, come to think of it, I better leave that
honour to you. I'm not sure I want to kill that animal.
Gor: Its meat will help us through the next winter.
Steve: Great to see you guys back. And all in one
Adrian: Didn't I predict that we would get separated
Nicko: Yes, you seem to have the second sight. But
the hunt was pretty exciting.
Adrian: Hm. Enough excitement to last for a lifetime.
I rather go fishing. Your shot saved my life. Thanks, Nick.
Nicko: You're welcome, buddy.
Chief: We will carve the animal into pieces right
here. Everybody will help bringing the meat back to the cave. And
let's do it quickly, before the scavengers sniff us out.
Bruce: And to think that Davey's sitting in his cozy
cave right now, painting some flowers.
Boy: I have trouble breathing. You think they already
started to clear the entrance?
Dave: I'm sure of it, don't worry.
Let's climb up on those rocks. The air is always going upwards I think.
Boy: Maybe we can push the stones from the inside?
Dave: We can try.
Shaman: The hunters have arrived with good prey.
Didn't I predict a good hunt? The ghosts look favourable on those
who are brave.
Chief: Yes, we were all very brave today. Where is
my boy and the stranger?
Shaman: They got what they deserved.
Steve: What do you mean?
Shaman: The earth-worm turned and punished them for
Bruce: Wait a minute. What is all this about?
Chief: Speak up, shaman. What happened?
Adrian: Oh, damn … the entrance to the cave
is blocked by stones.
Shaman: The earth-worm swallowed them up.
Bruce: Does that mean, Davey and the boy are still
in there? Why didn't you try to get the boulders out of the way?
Shaman: It is nature's revenge. You cannot fight
Steve: Nature's will, my ass. Come on, guys, we have
to get Dave and the kid out. I hope it's not too late.
Dave: I think I can hear a commotion outside.
Boy: You are just saying this to lift my spirits.
Dave: No, I think the hunters have arrived. They
will help us. Arry would never let us down.
Boy: Well, if the shaman convinces them that we are
not worthy to be saved …
Dave: Believe me, nobody is able to convince my bandmates
that we are not worthy.
Janick: Over here! There is a small opening. We have
to get some more stones loose.
Nicko: Ok, take my spear. Maybe you can pry them
loose with it.
Steve: Yes, this might work. Meanwhile, I'll clear
the smaller stones out of the way.
Bruce: They need an opening, or they will suffocate
in there. Let's get moving, guys.
Chief: How long have they been trapped in the cave?
Shaman: For a long time. Their spirits have been
swallowed up. To enter the cave now would be foolish and useless.
Adrian: Stop saying this, or I get angry. If you
can't do anything productive to help, get out of the way.
Shaman: Mind how you are talking to me. I might put
a curse on you.
Adrian: Do whatever you wish, but do it elsewhere.
I have to get my mate out.
Chief: Shaman, let these men work. They are mighty
hunters. Gor, Bear and Brunt, let's help them to thank them for their
Boy: You are right. I can definitely hear them now.
Dave: Yes, and there's light shining in, high up
Boy: Maybe I should climb up and tell them that we
are still alive?
Dave: Good idea, but be careful.
Bruce: Hey, anybody in there? Scream for me, Davey!
Boy: We are here!
Bruce: Hehe. Guys, they're alive. I just heard the
Steve: Great. Get these stones away from the entrance.
Bruce: Wait, the kid can already fit through the
small opening. There you go, boy. Hop out. ... Hey, Davey, how's life?
Dave: Luckily I don't have fear of the dark. But
it's good to hear your voice, Bruce.
Bruce: Hehe. We get you out, don't worry.
Dave: I never worried.
Chief: This was an eventful day. We will celebrate
a successful hunt and the rescue of two of our tribesmen.
Adrian: It's good to have you back, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, the air got pretty thin towards the end.
You came just in the nick of time.
So, how was the hunt?
Adrian: Exciting. But not as exciting as your rescue,
Chief: You are mighty hunters. Why don't you join
Bruce: No, I'm afraid, we'll have to roam in search
Steve: Yes, Blabbermouth is right. Thanks for the
offer though. We appreciate.
Boy: You will leave us again after the feast, right,
Dave: Ehm, yes, I'm afraid we have to. We still have
far to travel.
Boy: I'm sad. It was good talking to you.
Dave: Would you mind giving me a bit of your favourite
red colour to take with me?
Boy: You want some of my colour? You can carry it
in this small vessel. I'm glad you like it.
Bruce: Ok, I guess, it's "mission accomplished"
then. Nice to meet you all and fare well.
Chief: Good luck on your further travel, friends.
Janick: Back in the good old TM. What a day!
Steve: Yeah, I feel every muscle aching right now.
I have the utmost respect for these cave people. They lived in a hostile
Bruce: Talking about hostile environment. Let's go
back to BBC.
Steve: Ts. Always the last pun, eh, Bruce?
Bruce: Yep. Push the red buttons! Thus speaketh Blabbermouth.