The Twelve Labors Of Harrycles

A mighty hero, known in all of Greece
Is Harrycles, the son of Zeus
Twelve labors did the man perform
You know, for heroes, that's the norm

A monster terrorizes the poor
A fierce one, down on Athens' shore
Nemean Lion is its name
Attacks the people and tries to maim

Bold Harry pays a visit to its lair
(A home-call, as is only fair)
Such close confines leave Lion not much space
And Harry shoots him with his bass

Now bass-shots break the heart, not more
They never kill, thus goes the lore
An animal lover, bold Harrycles
Adopts the lion as pet, I confess

Next, I'll tell ya how Harrycles mums
The nine-headed Hydra living in the Lerna swamps
By playing football. He fires at least
A ball in each mouth to silence the beast!

The task sheet for labor three states quite clear:
"Track down the Cerynitian hind, an agile deer"
A FEMALE deer to be precise
Harry ensnares it with his charming sweet eyes

After this feat, he pursues once more
A magical beast, this time a boar
"I'm sick of all this menagerie"
Sighs Harrycles, collecting pet number three.

Soon after Augeas King yells loud:
"My stables need a cleaning out!"
Am I a cleaning maid?, thinks 'cles
I'll have Rod call the Wash-Express.

Bold Harrycles is quite content
Five problems solved ! for number six he sent.
Stymphalian birds, in swamps they nest
Too muddy a soil, for man to rest

But Eddie, friend of Harrycles
Can walk such grounds, 'cause I confess
Ed's just a head and thus we admire:
His feet for sure will never sink in mire

Ed kills the birds, yum, what a feast!
While Harrycles runs to the East
'Cause a fierce bull down in Crete
Destroys the harvest with his feet

He takes the bully by the horn
As he is used to, being born
In the East End, where people are known
For being headstrong with a mind of their own

Tired out by the bull, Harry seeks a bed
Of hay next to some mares in a shed
Unfortunately the horses were wont
To eat the beautiful and reknowned

Whole LA bands to these mares fell prey
And now such a dainty piece comes their way!
But our hero is able to handle the affair
'Cause Arry never falls for a maneater

Next Harrycles' job is to retrieve
A black leather belt from a gal, like a thief
But Arry will always a gentleman be:
He blows her a kiss and gets the darn thing for free

Next he should steal the cattle from
A many-headed bloke called Geryon
Who longs to form a boys-band
All by himself but he needs a hand

Obligingly, Harry writes him a ditty
Which Geryon actually thinks pretty
So he gives the hero the herd
And signs on at EMI, the nerd

Harry leaves this guy (who is a bit loco)
And pays a visit to some nymphs in Morocco.
With the Hesperides there he grapples
They don't agree to part with their apples!

Thank Rod that Atlas' favour he gains
by freeing his brother Brucetheus from chains
Atlas seduces the girls by donning tie and suit
And during a hot night, gets hold of the fruit

The last feat that Harrycles does is
Leading Cerberus up from hot Hades
Harry knows a lady of great elegance
For whom Hell is a cozy sweet residence

Charlotte grins when Harrycles asks for help:
"This task is easy, Cerb's my pet whelp."
Thus all the twelve tasks are finally resolved
And as bonus, Arry gets with Charlotte involved

(written on March 11th 2004)