Part 14: Cherchez la femme

Dave: Woah, it's pretty hot here.
Janick: Yeah, compared to the last trip, this is quite a few notches up the temperature scale.
Adrian: I prefer this climate to the one in the Chinese steppe any time.
Steve: Can we stop talking about the weather? I'd like to know where we are and what the mission is this time.
Bruce: Where we are? Yes, where are we? No idea. In some kind of old city as far as I can see. Current mission? Let's have a read. ... Ehm, who has got the piece of paper?
Dave: Not me.
Adrian: Me neither.
Nicko: Nope.
Janick: Steve?
Steve: Don't tell me they forgot to give us that paper.
Bruce: Well, it looks like … oh, eh, hehe, sorry, I have it here in my pocket. Completely forgot that they gave it to me.
Steve: Hm. So, what's the mission?
Bruce: Awkay: Bring back an item of clothing from the most beautiful woman.
Dave: That sounds interesting.
Steve: Well "most beautiful" ... that's subjective, isn't it? This is a stupid mission.
Janick: Are we supposed to attend a Miss World contest now or what?
Dave: Cool.
Nicko: Well, these city walls look pretty ancient to me. I don't think we are in a time where Miss World contests have been invented yet.
Adrian: Yeah, besides that would have been too easy.
Bruce: Hmm, it really looks pretty antique around here. Anyway, this "woman" could be a wordplay again. Remember when we had to get wolf's hair, and it turned out it was a Viking's name?
Steve: How could I forget? One of these days they'll be digging up a lock of my hair near Sutton Hoo.
Bruce: Hehe, that would be a find indeed.
Janick: I can't think of a wordplay with "woman" though.
Bruce: That's because we haven't found out yet. I'm sure once we find the right garment, we will know the problem to the solution. It has always been like that before.
Adrian: Yeah, and we always ended up running for our lives.
Dave: Maybe this time it's gonna be easier.
Steve: Probably not though. Ok, how shall we proceed? Any ideas?
Nicko: Wo-ho! Look at that lady over there. That's a hot birdie. Maybe she's the one we're looking for.
Dave: She's a stunner all right. You think she will give us a piece of her robe? It's a nice red dress.
Adrian: If you ask her, more likely she will shout rape and alarm the whole town.
Bruce: Yeah, you can't be that blunt with a lady. Subtlety's the ticket. Let's snoop after her.

Janick: She's entering that building. Do you think that's a temple?
Steve: Looks like one. Damn, you think that bird's a priestess or some such?
Dave: If that's a priestess, I want to convert to her religion.
Steve: Dave, can you stop drooling over her for a second?
Adrian: Should we follow her in?
Steve: Yeah, but not all of us. We'd raise too much attention as a group. Nicko, you can film a bit around the temple, ok? But stay close.
Nicko: Okeydokey.
Dave: I'll handle the bird, ok?
Steve: Ehm, no. You better stay here with me.
Dave: Why?
Steve: I fear you are not thinking straight when you're near that woman, so you better stay away from that mission.
Dave: That's unfair.
Bruce: Adrian and I will go inside, ok?
Steve: Yeah, ok. Meanwhile, Jan, Dave and me are watching out for problems. And … Bruce?
Bruce: Yes?
Steve: Just do the mission. Don't play tourist, ok? Get out of there as quickly as possible.
Bruce: Yeah, yeah, don't worry.
Steve: Adrian? Make sure you'll be quick.
Adrian: Don't worry. See you later.

Bruce: I can't believe he just said that. Who does he think he is? My father?
Adrian: Well, I don't want to hang around here for too long either. So let's go in, nick that dress and get the fuck back home.
Bruce: Ok, but let's pop one of our Babel pills first. So, where's the bird?
Adrian: You know, I don't think she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Bruce: Nah, me neither, although she was pretty.
Adrian: There she is, sitting on the floor. What the hell is she doing there?
Bruce: Swaying around and mumbling …
Adrian: Is she drunk? What's that awful smell?
Bruce: Hmmm … I think she is a seer.
Adrian: A what?
Bruce: A prophetess. Having visions and stuff? She is inhaling this smoke to have visions.
Adrian: Aha ... visions … I've never heard that excuse from a junkie before. Anyway, let's go and ask her for that dress.
Bruce: No, I'd rather not disturb her vision. Let's wait a bit.
Adrian: Oh, Bruce, that's exactly what 'Arry DOESN'T want us to do. You're lingering again.
Bruce: Shh, she is talking to herself. Let's get nearer. I want to hear what she's saying. Maybe we'll find out where we are.

Steve: I give them 2 more minutes, then I'm gonna go get them.
Janick: Give them a bit more time. Maybe they didn't find her immediately.
Dave: Maybe they're having fun with her. To think that I could be the one …
Steve: Dave! We're not having historical sex with historical women here.

Cassandra: Ah, yes! Come to me! … enter Cassandra's thoughts! …
Adrian: What is she mumbling?
Bruce: Shhh. Quiet.
Cassandra: I'm open … come to me …
Adrian: Damn, her eyes are rolling into her head. She is completely stoned!
Bruce: I have an idea. You stay here.
Adrian: No, Bruce, don't …

Nicko: I filmed a bit over the city walls. Looks like there is a military camp on the other side.
Steve: Not good. That means we are besieged in here?
Nicko: Looks like it. And you know what they are doing right now?
Janick: Tell us.
Nicko: If I tell you, you will know where we are.
Steve: Great. So tell us.
Nicko: They're building a wooden horse …
Dave: A horse?
Steve: Damn. I thought that horse was only a myth.
Nicko: Me too, but apparently not.
Steve: So, if the horse part is true, then the part about Helen is true as well.
Dave: Who's Helen?
Steve: That's supposed to be the most beautiful woman of the world. According to old Homer.
Dave: Homer? I love those cartoons.
Steve: Dave, we're in Troy. Hector? Achilles? Paris? And don't start telling me you saw the movie.
Dave: In fact I didn't.
Janick: So, that woman in the temple is Helen?
Steve: Probably not. I guess it's time to warn H and Bruce …

Cassandra: … Cassandra is waiting for you, spirits …
Bruce: Now I'm here can you see me ...
Cassandra: A vision! Finally! You have granted my wishes. Speak to me!
Bruce: There are those that deceive you, there are those that'll let you down ...
Cassandra: I was sure of it! The Greek plan treason!

Steve: This temple is a real maze. Ah, there you are, H. Where is Bruce?
Adrian: He is singing "The Apparition" to a drugged prophetess.
Steve: What?
Adrian: Yeah, he's trying to find out where we are by play-acting a vision for her.
Steve: Bruce is constantly coming up with the most stupid ideas. Anyway, we know where we are by now, and this is not the woman we're looking for.
Adrian: Damn. And where are we?
Steve: We're in the middle of the Trojan War and we have to find the beautiful Helen. I don't even want to start thinking about how we'll manage to do that. Let's get Bruce first.

Bruce: The impending disaster it looms and the whole of the village is doomed.
Cassandra: Don't say that. There must be a way to salvation.
Bruce: No one believes in your true prophecy, and now it's too laaaaaate!
Cassandra: I have to try to warn them! … Thank you!

Bruce: Hehe, did you see this performance, H? ... Oops, bad weather-cloud Harris on the horizon.
Steve: Bruce! Can't you for once keep a low profile?
Bruce: Hey, that was the prophetess Cassandra and she really thought I was an apparition.
Steve: Yeah, you are an apparition indeed. Someone like you can't be real.
Bruce: What do you mean by that? Anyway, thanks to my little initiative, I found out where we are.
Steve: We're in Troy. So?
Bruce: Oh. You found it out as well.
Steve: Yeah, Nicko did. And he didn't have to pretend to be an apparition to find out. So come on now. We have to find the palace where they keep Helen. And this before the Greek enter with their stupid horse.
Bruce: I guess that won't be easy.
Adrian: It never is. Damn.

Dave: There they are. So, how was the bird?
Adrian: Stoned.
Dave: Really? You had a drug-party in there?
Bruce: Nah, Davey. She was a prophetess and I was her prophecy.
Dave: You were? Cool.
Janick: In the meantime, Nicko and me found out where the palace is. It's not far from here actually.
Adrian: You don't think we can simply walk in there and undress that princess, do you?
Nicko: Who's talking about undressing? One piece of clothing is enough. We could nick a scarf from her.
Adrian: That sounds difficult enough.
Steve: Quiet! There are guards approaching.

Trojan Soldier: The Greek seem to retreat. We have won.
Guard: And they even left a mighty wooden horse as a sign of their defeat.
Trojan Soldier: Yeah, we will pull it in later on. This horse will cover us with glory.

Bruce: This horse will cover you with blood if you don't listen to Cassandra.
Steve: Stop talking like that. Or you might start to believe you are really a prophecy.
Adrian: Maybe you changed the course of history by warning her.
Bruce: No chance. Historically, Cassandra really had a vision. But nobody believed her.
Adrian: Yeah, well, no wonder. With that crazed-out look she has.
Janick: Ok, here is the palace. Heavily guarded, it seems. What now?
Steve: We need a plan before we try to get in or we might never get out of it alive.
Adrian: I fear this is gonna be a long mission …
Bruce: How about this: we dress as women, that way we can enter into the women's rooms without hindrance. We could disguise as servant girls.
Steve: Are you crazy? We don't look like girls at all.
Janick: Well …
Steve: What?
Janick: Remember the priestess? She had a veil over her face. You could only see her long hair. Your hair looks a bit the same.
Steve: Huh? I don't look like a woman.
Dave: With a bit of make-up …
Steve: No! We're not in a Monty Python movie here.
Nicko: Quiet. There is somebody approaching …

Servant Girl: Not now, Gartis. I have to rush, Princess Helena wants to take her bath now. I'm already late for the preparations.
Guard: Ok, but I'll see you this evening, right? Have the musicians arrived yet?
Servant Girl: No, I fear they are too late. Helena will be furious. She likes to have music while she's bathing.

Bruce: Do you think what I'm thinking?
Dave: This time I want to go. I'm a musician.
Steve: You just want to see her naked. And we're all musicians, not only you.
Dave: Yeah, but they probably didn't have drums or basses in these times.
Steve: They probably didn't have guitars either.
Dave: Uhm. What did they have?
Bruce: Pipes I guess, maybe lutes. Or jingles.
Dave: Lutes? That's a guitar. I'm qualified.
Janick: I'm qualified as well.
Steve: Hm. I am reluctant to let you two stallions enter those private rooms alone.
Nicko: Why don't we all go? We could pretend to be the local band.
Steve: I'm thinking …
Adrian: The guys over there look like musicians.
Bruce: They do … I have an idea … let me handle this.

Janick: What is he doing now talking to these guys?
Steve: I dread his ideas …
Nicko: I think I know what he's planning.
Janick: And what?
Nicko: He is probably trying to persuade them to let us do the gig for them.
Dave: Cool. That's what I was hoping for.
Adrian: I don't know any antique songs. This won't work.
Dave: Just improvise, mate.
Adrian: Hmmm …
Bruce: Aw-kay, guys. The boys over there are the band that should be playing for the princess, but they have a problem: two of their mates are ill, and they cannot perform like that. So I offered them a deal.
Steve: What deal?
Bruce: Don't glare at me like that. They are lending us their instruments, so we can perform. That way, we can easily nick a scarf from the princess, don't you think?
Dave: Cool. What are we waiting for?
Nicko: So what instruments do they have?
Bruce: First they have a singer, that would be me, you probably all agree?
Steve: Ok. Do you know any Trojan song, by any chance?
Bruce: Not yet, but I'll come up with something.
Steve: Hm.
Bruce: Then they have some sort of primitive bongos …
Nicko: Those are for me, I guess.
Bruce: Exactly my thinking. And they even have a guitar and a harp.
Dave: I can do the guitar.
Adrian: But I can't play the harp. No way.
Dave: Ok, mate, you can have the guitar, and I'll try the harp. Deal?
Adrian: Have you ever played a harp before?
Dave: No, I'll improvise. It's got strings, so it shouldn't be difficult.
Bruce: Good, and the last musician is playing a tambourine, so I thought that would be perfect for 'Arry.
Steve: Why do I have to do the tambourine?
Bruce: It's a rhythm instrument, just like bass. And you can't fuck up much with a tambourine.
Steve: Why would I fuck up?
Bruce: Ok, you prefer to play the harp? Or you prefer to sing? Tell me.
Steve: Hm. No, ok, I'll play the tambourine.
Janick: Ehm, Bruce, is there an instrument for me as well?
Bruce: I was getting there … they only have 5 musicians … and one dancer. So I thought maybe …
Janick: Ehhh … dancing? I don't know the first thing about an old Greek dance, you know.
Dave: You simply have to improvise.
Steve: Ok, so now we have a singer who's improvising Trojan songs, a guitarist who's improvising on a harp and another guitarist who's improvising a dance. Not to mention a bassist who will look like a fool with a tambourine. Any more disasters you have in store for us, Bruce?
Bruce: None that I can think of right now. But I'll let you know in due time, don't worry.
Nicko: Hehe, looks like H and me have got the jackpot, at least we can play our own instruments.
Adrian: What do you mean? Have a look at this guitar. It's completely out of tune, and I don't know how to tune those strings. By the way it only has five strings. I better practice a bit.
Bruce: We don't have time for that. We are supposed to perform in, like, now.
Adrian: Oh, damn.
Steve: Ok, well, then let's go. I hate to be late for a gig. Let's just try to do our best.
Bruce: That's the right spirit. And I even know the perfect song to play.
Janick: Which would be?
Bruce: Let's play Drifter. It's all about cuddling and singing and hugging your baby. Cheesy enough for a princess to like it.
Steve: What do you mean, cheesy? I put my heart into that song.
Bruce: Well, you have to admit that the lyrics are a bit cheesy.
Steve: Hm.
Adrian: I haven't played that one in ages, I think I forgot the solo.
Dave: Never mind the solo, I'm gonna do it.
Adrian: On your harp? Ha, I'd like to hear that.
Janick: I don't think it's a good idea to play Heavy Metal to her, she might be taken aback.
Bruce: That's an argument. We could pep the song up with something more melodic.
Steve: Are you saying Drifter wasn't melodic?
Bruce: 'Arry, stop defending your song, ok? I'm just saying, we have to make it a bit more antiquish for them.
Steve: Antiquish? Does that word exist?
Bruce: It does now, hehe. So, what about my idea?
Steve: Ok, well, why not, let's play Drifter. I'm only playing the tambourine, so I don't have that much influence on the melody anyway.
Adrian: Does that mean I have to come up with an antiquish melody? Damn. And without practice.
Bruce: Play something like the intro to Jerusalem, that would be fitting, I guess.
Adrian: Ok, I can do that.
Steve: We're playing my Drifter to the tune of your Jerusalem? Tell me this is a nightmare.
Bruce: It's not, hehe.
Steve: Ok, let's get it over with.

Servant Girl: Ah, finally, there you are. You're the musicians, right?
Bruce: Ehm, yeah, we are here to play for the princess.
Servant Girl: Come on in, then. She's already in the bath.
Dave:
Helena: New musicians? Excellent. I hope you are a bit more entertaining than the last group.
Adrian: Damn, she's demanding.
Steve: Hey, we were able to satisfy the crowds at Rock in Rio, so I guess an antique princess shouldn't be a problem.
Adrian: Maybe I should play the Wicker Man?
Helena: So, what are you waiting for?
Bruce: Ehm, hehe, yeah, so here is our first song, it's called Drifter. ... Look out now, baby, won't you take me away …

Helena: Wonderful, simply wonderful. This is completely different from anything I've got dished out here so far. And I love that harp solo.
Dave: Did you see that? She's winking at me.
Steve: Just keep a clear head, Dave.
Bruce: So, what now? She wants more.
Steve: Well, let's give her more then. The ladies here are a good audience. Reminds me of our first pub-gigs. Let's give her the Trooper.
Adrian: We can't play the Trooper with just one guitar.
Dave: I'm helping out on the harp.
Steve: I'm helping out with the tambourine.
Adrian: Hmmm.
Bruce: Ok, let's put on a show then.

Bruce: SCREAM FOR ME, HELENA!
Helena: Great! More!
Adrian: I don't believe it. She's completely into Maiden now.
Steve: Did you expect anything less?
Janick: All very well, but I start to become exhausted from dancing. Why don't we play Run to the Hills and make a runner?
Steve: Ok, you're right. I completely forgot our mission.
Helena: Can you play that solo for me again?
Dave: Sure.
Nicko: Am I mistaken or is our Davey flirting with a royal bird?
Bruce: Looks like it, hehe. I hope he has the sense to ask for a scarf.

Bruce: … run for your liiiiiiiiives!
Helena: You guys are so great! Thanks for the entertainment. Now what do I owe you for your performance?
Dave:
Steve: Ehm, well we were honoured to play for you, princess. If we could have a scarf as a reward we would consider ourselves more than enough paid.
Helena: Amusing. You're sure you don't want anything MORE?
Dave: She's winking again. This bird is hot.
Bruce: Just remember we're in the middle of a war that got started because of her winking too much. That's a dangerous bird.
Dave: Uhm. You're right. Better keep my paws off.
Steve: We appreciate, princess, but a scarf really would be enough.
Helena: Well, ok, then. Here it is. Thank you and farewell. I hope to see you again soon.
Bruce: We're coming back, we will return … hehe, farewell, ladies.
Adrian: Yeah, if you could just wait for a few thousand years.

Janick: We got out of it, and we're still alive.
Nicko: And we even got the scarf without fighting.
Steve: Actually this was a great gig, guys. Why don't we have more such missions?
Adrian: Dave, you do realize you fucked up the solo in Hallowed Be Thy Name?
Dave: I didn't fuck up!
Steve: Yeah, well you did, but that's ok. Considering you had to play it on a harp.
Bruce: Do you realize that we could have had any servant girl in that room?
Nicko: Yeah, those were really antique groupies.
Dave: I could have had the princess.
Steve: Better not push our luck. We have lingered long enough here. Let's go home.
Bruce: Yeah, you're probably right. Let's get back to the TM.