Part 4: Don't Lose Your Head, My Friend

Steve: Ok, where the fuck are we this time?
Nicko: No ‘kin idea which city this is.
Janick: Me neither.
Dave: Bruce?
Bruce: What? Why do you look at me now?
Adrian: Because you claim to be the history expert.
Bruce: Ah well, ok, ehm, let’s see … big, dirty city. Lots of people running around. Burning building to the left.
Steve: Dreadful place. It’s stinking.
Nicko: The people have funny hats on.
Bruce: The hats! Of course. This must be Paris during the French Revolution.
Dave: You know that just by looking at their hats? Amazing.
Bruce: Well, those red phrygian caps were very en vogue during the French Revolution.
Steve: Ok, well I’m glad we’re not members of the aristocracy then. Wouldn’t want to lose my head. Because that was also "en vogue" back then.
Adrian: I hope they recognize us as non-aristocrats.
Dave: Oops, maybe we should tell them straightaway.
Bruce: Yeah, but not before you swallow that pill. You better speak French here, I don’t think they liked us Englishmen that much back in those days.
Steve: And why not?
Bruce: Because we were all a bunch of royalists, that’s why.
Steve: I’m not a royalist.
Bruce: Hehe, I don’t think they would believe that.
Janick: Ok, now I understand the mission a bit better: “Get a piece of famous wood.”
Adrian: OOOOH NO! I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as just chopping down a tree.
Dave: I still don’t get it.
Steve: Oh, fuck, you think we have to …
Nicko: I’m afraid so.
Dave: What are you talking about?
Bruce: We have to pay a visit to Madame Guillotine.
Dave: Who’s that?
Steve: DAVE! That damn piece of wood we have to retrieve is from the guillotine. That’s the butcher’s knife of the French Revolution. Get it now?
Dave: Urgh. How do we do that?
Adrian: Easy, we just tell them you are an aristocrat …
Dave: Why me?
Adrian: … then when you have your head in there …
Dave: WHAT!
Adrian: … you pull your knife and cut a bit of wood off it.
Dave: I don’t want that!
Adrian: I was only joking, don’t worry.
Steve: Ok, enough of the jokes, we need a plan.
Janick: Best would be to do it by night.
Adrian: Hmm, and do you think the guillotine isn't guarded during the night?
Bruce: Well, it’s worth a try. Anyway, it’s the best plan we have.
Steve: It’s the only plan we have.
Nicko: Ok, I’m gonna do some filming while we wait for nightfall. See ya later …
Steve: Nick, no! … damn why does he always run off like that? We should stay together. I don’t want us to get into any trouble … Why are you laughing, H?
Adrian: Well, I think we ARE already in trouble. Look around you: we’re in the middle of the French Revolution and we’re about to steal part of their guillotine. How much deeper can we get into trouble?
Dave: I have a plan!
Steve: Yeah? What is it?
Dave: Why don’t we just take ANY piece of wood? Do you really think BBC would notice the difference?
Bruce: Bad plan!
Janick: Why? Actually I think it’s great. Davey’s right.
Dave:
Bruce: He’s NOT right.
Dave: And why not?
Bruce: Don’t think the BBCers are dummies. If they just wanted ANY piece of wood, they wouldn’t spend money on a time-machine. I’m sure they have possibilities to find out whether it’s genuine.
Janick: How?
Bruce: I don’t know how, but I have that feeling. Remember, they took the piece of parchment and put it in a container. Now guess what they were doing there? Probably checking Tut’s signature.
Adrian: Now, who’s paranoid here?
Steve: Yeah, but Bruce is right. I sense that they are not telling us everything. And I wouldn’t want to have to do the mission again, just because we tried to cheat on this one. No, we gonna bring them some piece of real guillotine.
Bruce: Yeah, best would be if we had some blood on the wood too.
Steve: Now don’t exaggerate it, Bruce.
Bruce: Okeydoke, no blood.
Dave: Why don’t we go to a pub while we’re waiting? I’m thirsty.
Adrian: Actually, that’s a good idea.
Steve: Hmm well, yeah. Ok. We might as well wait in a pub. But DON’T raise attention. And we stay together.
Bruce: Yes, mummy!

late at night:

Nicko: Ah, there you are, I was looking for you throughout Paris. Wonderful city, by the way. I have it all on tape.
Steve: Shhh, quiet. Adrian is checking out the lay of the land. We wait here till he comes back.
Adrian: Ok, there is only one guard next to the guillotine.
Steve: Oh fuck, that’s one too many.
Bruce: Aww, one guard, that’s not much.
Steve: Ok, well go ahead then and handle him.
Bruce: Ehm … well. How should I do that?
Steve: See?
Janick: Should we lure him here and then bind him?
Steve: I’m thinking …
Nicko: Yeah, after all, it’s six against one. Should be easy.
Steve: I’m thinking, ok?
Dave: Let him think.
Adrian: Think quicker, the guard is coming.
Bruce: Oh fuck! Ok, action time. … Hey there, wonderful night tonight, so warm, don’t you think?
Guard: Who are you?
Bruce: Oh, we were just passing by. We wanted to have a close look at the guillotine. We were here this afternoon, but you know how it is, front row is always sold out so quickly. We didn’t get the best seats.
Adrian: What are you talking about ? This is not a gig!
Guard: Oh, you are the official inspectors? I didn’t recognize you, sorry.
Bruce: Ehm …
Steve: Yes, we’re the inspectors, sorry for being so late, but we can inspect better by night. Ok, come on, this is our chance.
Guard: Here is the guillotine. As you can see, all best quality. The blade is very sharp. Cuts right through. You want me to do a demonstration?
Dave: Better not.
Steve: The blade seems to be ok, but the wood?
Guard: What do you mean, the wood?
Bruce: Ehm, yeah, we are here to check the wood. Look, here is a knife, we just take a piece of that block here, and we check it in the morning. Is that blood? I’m gonna take a sample from over there.
Guard: Ehm, ok, take whatever you need.
Steve: That was easy. Ok, let’s go now.
Guard: I need a signature. Everything has to be in order.
Steve: Yeah, sure, I understand. Where do you want it?
Guard: Right here.
Steve: There you go. Thanks and bye.
Bruce: Yeah, bye, and don’t forget: Liberty, Equality, Fraternity.
Steve: Bruce, come on!
Adrian: How did you sign? With Harris?
Steve: Do you think I’m stupid? I signed with Boucher, that’s a French name.
Adrian: Hmm, ok. What if he knows the name of the inspector that should have come?
Steve: Well, it was obvious he didn’t have a clue. I guess we’re safe.
Guard: Alarm! Those are traitors! Get them!
Janick: So much for safe. Back to the TM.
Dave: I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.
Nicko: Well, then run!
Steve: Quick, Bruce, come on. H, we’re all in. Push the red buttons. Now!