Part 3: Tutten-Kamoon

Bruce: Woooah, what a trip! See, Arry, none of us turned into a fly.
Nicko: Bzzzzzzzz.
Janick: Bzzzzzzzz.
Steve: Stop that, that’s NOT funny.
Dave: Where are we?
Adrian: Wherever we are, it’s too hot and too sandy for my taste.
Bruce: Ehm, I think … we’re in Egypt.
Dave: What? This is Egypt? Where are the pyramids?
Bruce: You know, Davey, Egypt is not plastered with pyramids. There are some places where you don’t see pyramids piling up.
Adrian: So how can you be sure that we’re in Egypt?
Bruce: See that river? That’s the Nile.
Adrian: It could also be the Amazon River, for all we know.
Bruce: Nope. First: the Amazon wouldn’t be a historically important place, as far as I know. Second: I see a hippopotamus over there, and if I’m not mistaken, they only exist in Africa.
Dave: A hippo! How cute.
Nicko: Yeah, it looks a bit like you. A Happy Hippo.
Dave: It doesn’t. But see, it’s opening its mouth, maybe it wants something to eat … Oops!
Janick: Watch out Dave!
Dave: Fuck have you seen that? It tried to bite me.
Steve: As you said, it wanted something to eat. Don’t fool around and stay close. I don’t want to lose any of us somewhere in time.
Adrian: Hmmm …
Bruce: What?
Adrian: So, if this is Egypt, I guess we have to find a pharao, right?
Bruce: Yeah, makes sense.
Adrian: As far as I know they were not noted for their friendliness towards strangers ...
Dave: You’re seeing problems everywhere.
Adrian: And you see them nowhere. Nevertheless the hippo wanted to eat you ...
Dave: Ehm.
Steve: Ok, let’s get going and find that pharao so that we can collect that autograph.
Adrian: Can I ask something else?
Bruce: What is it this time?
Adrian: Does any of you speak Old Egyptian? Because that’s one of the few languages I don’t speak, to be honest.
Steve: Fuck yeah, I didn’t think about that. How will we communicate?
Bruce: Hehe, no problem. BBC has thought about it all, Arry. Here we have a pill, called the Babel Pill (BP for short), and if we eat it we can speak and understand the language we need.
Dave: You’re sure about that? Cool. Give it to me then.
Nicko: How does it taste?
Dave: Hey, it works, I understand you.
Steve: He is speaking English, Dave, you would also understand him without that stupid Babel pill.
Dave: Oops, right. How stupid of me.
Bruce: Jan, why don’t you eat your pill?
Janick: I’m waiting for you to have side-effects.
Bruce: Man, you are so suspicious.
Janick: Well, one of us has to push those red buttons to get us all back to BBC in case you fall ill now. So, I won’t take that pill.
Steve: Well, somehow it’s sensible. Ok, Jan won’t take the pill, just to make sure. But then don’t talk!
Nicko: I see some sort of a palace over there, let’s go in.
Guard: Strangers! Bind them!
Steve: Fuck! Bad start.
Bruce: Aha, here we have him: Tut-Anch-Amun.
Adrian: That boy is a pharao?
Dave: How do you know that’s Tutten-Kamoon? Have you seen him before?
Bruce: Tut-Anch-Amun was a very young but historically important pharao, so I just guessed that’s the boy.
Steve: Ok, we’re dealing with a kid, might be easy to get a signature from him then.
Adrian: I wouldn’t bet on that …
Tut-Anch-Amun: What do you strangers seek in my land?
Dave: It works, I understand him.
Steve: Shut up! Ehm, well, we come with peaceful intentions.
Tut-Anch-Amun: Why should I trust you? You are strangers.
Dave: Do we look threatening?
Adrian: You sure don’t.
Tut-Anch-Amun: The Evil sometimes comes under a smiling disguise.
Bruce: Hehe, in that case our Davey is the Evil.
Steve: BRUCE! Don’t make it worse.
Bruce: Ehm, sorry. Your Pharaoness, we are harmless, even smiling Davey here.
Dave: I swear.
Tut-Anch-Amun: This paper might be poisoned.
Nicko: It isn't. See, I touch it, and it doesn’t burn me.
Tut-Anch-Amun: Why doesn’t the blonde man speak?
Bruce: Jan? Oh, he is mute.
Tut-Anch-Amun: Mute? That is suspicious …
Adrian: Look, kid ...
Tut-Anch-Amun: Kid? I am a God!
Adrian: Huh?
Steve: Well, ok, God, why don't you just sign that fucking piece of paper and we leave you alone? What's the big deal? Look, I know all about signing autographs. Do you think I would complain? No. I sign each and every fucking autograph.
Bruce: Wait, Steve, that's not a good move ... he's gonna get angry. Let me do it. See here, Tut ...
Tut-Anch-Amun: Tut?
Adrian: What diplomacy, Bruce!
Bruce: Ehm, did I just say Tut? I was thinking aloud, I think. Shouldn't do that in front of a maniacal mini-monarch. No, I meant God! See, your Holiness, we are strangers in this strange land ...
Adrian: That's MY song. OUCH! Get off my foot.
Bruce: And home is far away ...
Adrian: Stop stealing my lyrics, dammit!
Bruce: So we don't want to waste our time always searching ...
Adrian: Are you doing it on purpose?
Tut-Anch-Amun: What is it that you want? Speak up quickly, or I'll send you to the crocodiles.
Dave: Oh-oh. That's not good.
Steve: Ah, all of a sudden you don't think it's a good idea, huh? Who was so excited about it in the first place? So, now: don't complain.
Nicko: Well, pharao, what me mate here wants to explain is that we need a holy writ by you to be able to go home again.
Bruce: Yes, we put our lives in your almighty hands to help us. Only you can do it.
Dave: And we are too old for the crocodiles, they wouldn't like us anyway.
Tut-Anch-Amun: Hand me that papyrus.
Steve: You will sign it? Great.
Tut-Anch-Amun: I will check with my counsellors whether you are not traitors.
Steve: WHAT? Do you think we have the whole day? Why should we betray you? Fuck, this guy is paranoid.
Bruce: Calm down, Steve. This doesn't get us anywhere.
Nicko: Why don't we film some material while we wait.
Dave: Good idea, maybe you want to film me taking a bath in the Nile.
Adrian: Yeah, but watch out for the hippos.
Dave: Oops, well, maybe that's not such a good idea then.
Janick: You can film me riding that camel.
Nicko: Ok, let's do that.
Dave: I'm coming with you.
...
Steve: Those three are morons.
Bruce: Aw, Steve, at least they get us some filming material.
Steve: Well, after all they were eager to participate, so it’s only fair they do some part of the work.
Adrian: Watch out, there's Tut coming back.
Bruce: Ah, your Holiness, so do you acknowledge our integrity?
Tut-Anch-Amun: You seem to come in good intentions.
Steve: Of course. That’s what we keep repeating. So are you gonna sign that paper?
Tut-Anch-Amun: I have signed it. You may go.
Steve: Great. Let's get the hell out of here.
Bruce: Please accept our humble thanks, your Holi ...
Steve: Bruce, come on.
Bruce: ... ness, yeah, yeah I'm coming.
Steve: Where the fuck are Nick, Jan and Dave?
Adrian: Look over there: ask for a camel and you find four.
Bruce: Haha, Davey why are you lying with your face in the sand?
Adrian: I hate it when you quote my lyrics.
Nicko: Dave got thrown off by the camel. I have it all on tape.
Dave: It wasn't so hilarious, it hurt pretty much.
Steve: Can we go now?
Janick: Do we have the autograph?
Steve: Of course we have that stupid autograph. Let's leave this place before Tut thinks we would make a great crocodile meal after all.
Bruce: Tut-tut, don't get all worked up, Arry.
Dave: Ok, let's go home. The animals in this country aren't so friendly after all.
Steve: Well, someone push those damn red buttons then, to get us out of here.